Still getting better

I haven’t written in a bit. I have been in bed for most of this week. After my marathon walk downtown, I found myself exhausted. I knew with my fibromyalgia I was going to pay for that walk ~ and I did! Since then the pain has risen and I just can’t seem to find any energy. So I am just giving in to it and I have spent the past week just relaxing. Watching tv trying to recouperate. And finally,… today,… 9 days later,…. I am finally starting to get some energy back. I was not expecting just how much it would take out of me. But now I know, so in future I just won’t be so ambitious and I’ll do smaller walks until I’m stronger.

The best part of the past few months is that I am no longer waking up angry. I have calmed right down and I’m even getting my sense of humour back. Infact,… I’m pretty optimistic that by the end of this summer I will hopefully be back to where I was 3 years ago before I got so sick. I have my optimism back. So the best news about all of this is,… I am no longer thinking of continuing on with MAiDs (medical assistance in dying). The reason I had choosen to take such drastic measures was I was unable to look after myself but I had no money to get a carer to help me. I was left alone to fend for myself when I was physically unable to. I did not want to be a burden. But now everything has changed. I am standing on my own. I am walking. I am able to look after myself once again. So as far as I can see,… the need to end my life has gone. Now I need to concentrate on getting stronger. I’m hoping as my physical problems leave, I will hopefully just naturally fall into a more productive and fruitful life. I want to start seeing my friends again. I want to start doing stuff again. I have been isolated in this apartment for 3 years. Now I have this over-whelming need to get out and enjoy OUTSIDE! I want to build a new life.

Other good things have been happening too. I had made a post on Facebook about my TV dying and how everything had gone blue. A person who had reached out to me previously reached out again and has said he put a cheque in the mail to me for $400. I cannot believe the generosity of people. I know I have said this over and over again but it needs to be said,… The people in this community and the ones who reached out to me from my CBC radio interview have been so kind and generous it has blown me away. For this man,… A****y, who has never even met me, is helping me to buy a brand new tv! And before this even happened,… another woman drove right over to my apartment with a great used tv for me. No questions asked. Just brought it to me. But unfortunately it’s not a smart tv and I can’t afford cable anymore so I need a smart tv as I have to stream. So my tv problem is solved. And with it I learned just how lovely and caring people can be. But now I want to pay it forward. How can I help others? The only thing I really have to offer is cleaning. Maybe I could help some older seniours in our building do housework. With my OCD I actually don’t mind cleaning and if someone else needs my help well,.. that would just make me feel better about myself after accepting such generous help from others.

I love the idea of pay it forward. I have been so lucky. I feel I need to spread the generosity,…

Another great day

I woke up feeling great yesterday. My pain level was at a low and the weather was gorgeous. It was one of those first few days of the year where you could finally go outside without your coat. I decided to take advangage of this opportunity to attempt to walk downtown. I have been needing to get some photocopies done to send into Revenue Canada to try and sort out my taxes. But if the weather was good for walking,… I wasn’t up to it because of pain or the other way around ~ the pain was low but the weather was bad. So I have been attempting to do this for about 2 months now. So yesterday I seized the opportunity. I walked downtown and back. I had to bring the walker as I got tired a few times and had to sit and rest. It took over 2 hours ~ But I did it! It was brilliant finally getting outside. I feel like I have been isolated from the world for so long I had forgotten what it was like to be out and about amoung people once again. To say hello to people as you walk by. For the past 3 years I have lived my life through social media and the TV. Stuck inside my apartment like I was in prison. It was very isolating. But now,… I feel like I re-joined the world once again.

By the time I got home I was exhausted. I needed a nap. And when I woke up my body had seized up and was in a lot of pain. But I didn’t care. I knew that would happen. Fibromyalgia is like that. If you do a lot one day,… you will be non-functionable the next day. Seized all up in pain and stiffness. So today I am having a ‘pajama day’. Just going to relax watching tv. It’s about all my body will allow me to do. But I am not going to complain. Yesterday was such a great day I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Getting outside gave me a huge boost.

This walk showed me that I really am getting better. I hope to be able to walk downtown without the walker by the end of this summer.

I can’t tell you how excited I am to have my life back once again after 3 years of being a cripple. To me it’s nothing short of a “miracle”.

And the sun rises,…

It’s 2 in the morning. The words are back. Ducking and diving and weaving in my mind. It distracts me from sleep. I turn over and pull the covers up but they don’t disappear. I give in. I get up and put the coffee on. I have the urge to write.

In the Arctic Circle the sun goes down leaving it in complete darkness. And depending where you are may not rise again for 6 months. This is how I feel right now. One day three years ago the sun went down and it didn’t rise again. I feel into a darkness of pain and anger and resentment over becoming crippled and unable to walk and care for myself anymore. Those past years have been the hardest struggle I have ever endured. But the darkness,…. I fell into some pretty dark and scary times. I had become the opposite to who I really was. I was waking up angry. But one day a few months ago I went to get up and there on the horizon was a glow. A soft glow of light after such a long period of darkness. It wasn’t much ~ but it was there. And each day that glow got a little bit brighter. And soon it was eluminating all the things that had been hidden in the dark. Each day the pain lessoned,… the glow on the horizon became a little bit brighter. Until I soon realized it was a sunrise. Could the darkness of the past 3 years be leaving and the sun rising once again? I cautiously hope,…

Now I know this means my life isn’t suddenly going to be problem free. I still have fibromyalgia and mental health issues. I still live in poverty and will never have everything I need. But the difference now is,… I CAN WALK! And just the relief of that has given me a real boost. Getting mobility back is like a miracle to me. It is going to change so much and give me a lot of my life back. And that makes all the difference in your mind. Suddenly there is hope. I went from expecting to spend the rest of my life in bed in pain unable to walk or look after myself to HOPE! That long hidden sun is finally rising once again bringing me back to life.

Today I am a very grateful person.

Hopefully back on track,…

It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to write. It’s taken me a bit longer to recouperate than I had hoped. I have done a lot of sleeping and lounging over the past few weeks. Now I feel better and want to get up and get back to normal once again.

I have spent my days watching TV. Unfortunately my TV is dying. For some reason the picture has gone all blue. When I watch soccer it’s like a bunch of Smurfs running around the pitch. It’s actually been like this for quite some time but having no money I have just been hoping on a wing and a prayer that it holds on. But over the weekend during my Manchester United game the sound started breaking up. Then some crackling,…. then no sound for 2 minutes,… then sound. And it’s continued to have audio problems since,… So frustrating when your trying to watch your game. This is just one of the many ODSP problems. You don’t make a penny extra to save with so when something big breaks,… it doesn’t get replaced. I have a list a dozen items deep of stuff that is old and broken and need of replacing. But in my world we just live with what we’ve got. And up until now that has been okay with me. I have learned you dont actually need a lot to get by. We have learned as a society that we need way more than we actually do to survive. And after a few years you just learn to live this way and you don’t bother ‘wanting’ stuff anymore. You know that what you have is what you have,…. take care of it the best you can and hope it lasts. Living in poverty is all about making do with what you have. And I have a laptop. I am so very appreciative of it as I know it’s a precious luxary. So when my tv does die,… I do have my laptop to watch TV. I will be sad I can’t watch my games on the big screen (I have a 55″ and it’s awesome for soccer!) but I will make do. A lot of people on ODSP don’t even have any electronics at all. So I feel pretty lucky to have both a laptop and a tv. I’m also grateful to have wi-fi as a lot of my friends can’t afford that. You really do become humbled and grateful for everything you have when you live ‘down here’. When you’ve gone without,… you appreciate everything you have even more.

My injury is slowly by steadily healing. I have good days and bad days in about equal measure. But that is more good days than I used to have. Again you just appreciate and be grateful for the healing and try not to dwell on the slow progress. I know it’s healing now so it’s just a matter of time and perserverance. Getting outside and WALKING. Building up my strength once again. Once I’m fully walking and able to stand for longer periods I will be able to look after myself once again. I will be able to cook and clean and go out to get my own groceries. And I’m hoping I will be fully functional again by the end of summer.

I still have my fibromyalgia pain. I have had that for 30 years and I will continue to have it probobly until I die. It’s the pain from my injury 3 years ago on my right side that is finally healing. So even though I still have a lot of pain from the fibromyalgia – it’s not crippling, leaving me unable to care for myself. I will still deal with pain everyday,… but it’s pain I can cope with.

So maybe things are looking up for me. I do hope so,… it’s been a long and difficult struggle over the past 3 years. I was ‘that close’ to giving up the pain was so horrible. But now,.. maybe I can risk a little bit of hope,….