I really need spring to arrive!

I think I write for all of us when I say that this snow is starting to get on everyone’s nerves! Cabin Fever has definitely set in. And with my apartment building not plowing properly my car has been stuck under mounds and mounds of snow so that I’d rather just stay in than go out and face the monumental task of shovelling it out. Roll on SRING!

Well my last blog entry wasn’t that positive so I thought I’d better try and pull up my boot straps and at least try to get threw this winter unscathed. So I’m happy to write that I took myself off to the doctors (Yet again!) and did some more medication tweaking (Yet again!) Too soon to tell as I haven’t even started the change yet but I’m hoping it does the trick. I finally have something to take for the fibromyalgia ~ which has been way out of control over the past month. Very painful. But I’m hoping that this new med will pull me out of this flare up so I can start functioning again. Time will tell,…

I think the other reason I got so low so quickly was that I had decided to finally go back to work and was trying to get all my ducks in a row to start that (resume, etc,…) But after talking about it with my Doctor she gently suggested that I am definitely not at a place for that to happen. In fact, she said I would probably never work full time ever again. Suggesting that maybe I should just volunteer for a few hours a week instead. She reminded me that in the past it has always been the same. I get a job,… I work for about a year,… then I start to fall apart because of my mental health concerns and I end up back in the hospital and losing that job. It’s a cycle I have had for 15 years. I just didn’t see it myself. It took my Doctor to come right out and tell it like it is. And she’s right. When I start to feel better I end up doing way too much and then crash. I think she was trying to tell me that I’m just too fragile right now for any of that. 😦  It makes me feel like less of a person than everyone else and I can’t help but sarcastically call myself a delicate little flower,… or “special” but I guess the truth is the truth. Accept and move on in a different and better direction. So, I think I’ll look for some volunteer work instead. Maybe at our hospital,.. or nursing homes,…

This alone has given me a bit of hope that everything will get a bit better for me now. When your dealing with multiple issues it can really wear you down and send you spiralling back into a depression. And that seems to be exactly what happened. So,… chin up,… tits out,… lets see what we can do about avoiding another ’bout of the dreaded black fog’ I don’t feel better yet. But I really will make an effort to work on it.

So many people have called and emailed and facebooked (Is that even a word?) I really wasn’t up to talking with anyone so I do apologize now for not getting back to anyone. Sometimes I just need a little time and space to work through the mental stuff before I can get social once again. But I was happy and touched to hear just how many of you cared and wanted to help.

Not much to say other than that so,…. lets hope next time I write things will be better.

Sometimes only kitty hugs will do

 

Warning:  This blog entry may be difficult to read due to talk of “cutting” and/or “self-harm” I apologize if anyone is offended.

 

Today is not a good day. The past few weeks have not been good either. I am on a downward spiral. Things seem to be piling up all at once and my mind is becoming overwhelmed with it all.

I can’t seem to just plow through things anymore. Once, when things started going wrong I could see it and make changes to fix it somewhat to the point of getting by. That has been the mission in my life for many many years ~ Just getting by.

 

But the past week I can’t. There is just too much going on that I can’t overcome.

 

The fibromyalgia has become so bad that I can’t do the simplest of things. I can’t lift my arms higher than my waist level,… Dressing is painful,… putting my coat on is especially painful. Turning over in bed,… carrying anything heavy,.. all leave me in pain. I have had fibromyalgia for over 20 years now but it seems to come in peaks and valleys. I tried to shovel my car out of the snow pile but after 10 minutes I was in tears of pain and gave up. I came in the house and did something I rarely do and took some acetaminophen with codeine tablets. I don’t do this often as I’m sure it could be addictive and we all know that’s a slippery slope for me. It doesn’t take the pain away but it does lessen it so it’s bearable for a short time. I can’t tell you how sick and tired I am over having this condition. It wears you down until you just bottom out and fall into a heap of tears on the floor. I’m so over it,… I’m done,…

 

Then there’s the taboo “self harming” I don’t do it often but over the years I have found that I do cut myself when things are getting too overwhelming. I find that cutting is a quick relief of the pain. If even just for that few seconds it takes. Now, years later I have accumulated a myriad of words  on my thighs. Some old scars,… silvery light lines from long ago. Some more recent,… and some brand new. Words of self-loathing and sickness. A reminder everyday of what I have done to release my pain and hatred of myself. A secret, shameful maze of words I hide. I only do it on my thigh as no one sees it there. I take great pains to hide it from the world. Every time I see them, I cringe with shame and embarrassment. This week has been a bad week for cutting.

 

I have been staying inside once again for long periods of time. I have no desire to leave my apartment to go anywhere. It’s just too distressing. So it would seem that all my hard work over the summer of getting out and overcoming my social anxiety has all been for nought. I have taken 5 steps forward and 4 steps  back. I am quickly sliding back into my agoraphobia state.

 

I probably shouldn’t have been so blunt in this blog entry but I always said I would keep this blog real to hopefully give people an understanding of mental illness and how very difficult it is to have it. And right now,… It’s very difficult. I am stuck back in the cave of illness.

 

But,… (as there always seems to be a but,…) who knows what can happen? Next week I could feel 100% better and be writing a fun and humorous post. I can’t tell you though as  mental illness is very unpredictable. I am very unpredictable.

 

Maybe I just need to stop and smell the roses,…. (even if it is the middle of winter) Maybe I just need to concentrate on the great things in my life like family and friends. Maybe I just need a rest from myself (meaning the dreaded going back into hospital) Or maybe just those small things like Kitty cuddles will help. Only time will tell.