I needed “My People”

Holyoak Family Home on Old Weston Road

 

I was watching this British series called “The Nest” tonight on Acorn TV. It’s basically a surrogate story set in Scotland. In the end there was a legal hearing over who gets the resulting baby. And in the hearing, the social worker for the young girl who gave birth to the baby, she said this:

“…’is it in the child’s best interest to have a clean slate and a ‘fresh start”? ….. “Kid’s don’t really do “clean slates” well”…..

And the next few words made me sit up and listen. Such simple words. But powerful.

“People’s stories are their stories.

It’s incredibly important to children that they come from somewhere.

and this baby came from Kaya.

she grew in Kaya.

She had skin to skin with kaya…..”

“…and if we don’t give her that chance, are we not just repeating the mistakes of the past? 

Social engineering.

Handing the babies of poor girls over to middle-class couples?”

Those simple words resonate within me. I don’t think I was ever meant to grow up in any other family but the HOLYOAK family.  Good or bad,…Easy or hard,… whatever my life ended up to be,…. THEY ARE MY FAMILY.

Instead, they took my piece of the Holyoak family tree and tried to fit it into the Morgan tree. And it worked for awhile. Especially for my childhood. I was so happy. And felt safe. I didn’t have a care in the world. My family was perfect.

But things changed when I became an adolescent. I rebelled. I had no idea why. I just knew I felt lost. By the time I was 16, I felt a distance from my mother. We didn’t get on for most of the time. By my twenties, I didn’t feel wanted by the Morgan family at all.

When I became a mother things changed again. Things were much better. My parents loved my daughters. They doted on them. Showered them with love and affection just like I got from them when I was a child. I felt like I was in a family. I DID feel wanted and loved. I thought this was my ‘happily ever after’,…. It wasn’t,…..

2003 hit. My divorce. My Dads passing. Life changed.

I never felt love from them ever again after that. I felt completely abandoned and alone.

But I have accepted this now. And now I believe that people are never suppose to grow up without their families. Parents,… grand-parents,… siblings,…. They are your tribe. Your people.

And when people don’t grow up in their true, biological family, I think a part of their soul is ‘adjusted’ (for lack of a better word) in a negative way. I can’t explain it because it’s a feeling. Ingrained deep inside me. And growing up away from “My People” fundamentally changed me. I think I grew up confused. Not really knowing who I was or where I came from. Maybe I could say it was an ‘unsettling’ feeling deep down inside. But never knew WHY I ever felt like I never fit in.

I think the Morgans are good people. And they tried their very best with me. But I think I was just too different from them. And by the time my father passed away, my mother just didn’t have the energy to care anymore. We parted ways. She died leaving me feeling like she didn’t love me anymore. It was really sad. And it changed who I am as a person. I struggle to believe that anyone really loves me. If I’m not worthy of my (adoptive) mother’s love,…. then I must be a really horrible person.

But despite all that. I am optimistic. Now that I have found the Holyoak family. Maybe NOW I will finally feel some belonging to somewhere. So far, thanks to covid,… I haven’t spent too much time with them. But hopefully now I can start to build a relationship with them. I have wanted nothing more in my life than to just have a family that loves me and accepts me for who I am ` warts and all,…. that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

 

 

 

The Black Fog Is Back

2020 has really been a struggle. I haven’t been doing well for quite a while now. Making the decision to get rid of K**k once and for all has made a difference to how I’ve been feeling though. I’ve had time to reflect and I can see that I was just settling. I didn’t love him. But he was someone to talk to. I was so lonely. Having him around filled that void. But him being married was obviously a huge problem and the main bone of contention in our relationship. His wife knew about us and apparently didn’t care. But,… he was still married. And that always weighed very heavily on me. I think I just got sucked into dealing with all the drama about it and fighting to keep him, that I sort of lost sight of what the prize actually was. Now that I have stood back and assessed the situation, I can see the prize wasn’t even worth the aggravation in the first place. But my life is so empty that I couldn’t see that. He filled the emptiness. But now I see I’d rather just be alone.

Which is the reason for my feelings of depression. My life is completely empty.

During phase 3 of this Covid pandemic we have to stay within our “bubble” of people to remain safe. Well,…. I am my bubble. A bubble of one. Just me,….. And it’s been this way since March 17th when the lock-down went into place. It’s been lonely. I live alone. Alone,…. alone,…. Alone,…. and you can’t escape it.

But the worst part is that since the pandemic started my life hasn’t changed at all. My life always was lonely. No parents. No siblings. And only one of your children even talking to you. I have spent way too many Thanksgivings and Christmases alone to even want to care about the upcoming holiday season. I can’t even think about it right now.

Right now,…. I am struggling.

A few weeks ago I became so despondent that I wrote on Facebook “Whats the flippin point anymore,…” And believe it or not,… It was NOT a cry for help. By the time I wrote that I was already passed the point of wanting help or wanting to even speak to anyone. It sounds rude but I just don’t have it in me right now to chat with anyone. Not about what’s going on or anything else. Depression has me paralyzed right now.

I have been sleeping during the day and staying up all night again. I find I don’t have to run into people this way. When I go to the gazebo at 4 in the morning no one is there. Peace. I have always loved the peacefulness of the night. My natural body clock is to be up all night and sleep during the day. I feel best when I do this.

Everyday life has been a struggle as well. I am still not walking yet. (I injured my back/hip/knee early in May and can’t get to the doctor yet as the covid pandemic still has us doing  virtual appointments) I can get to the gazebo and back but I could never walk all the way to the store yet. And my fridge and pantry are nearly bare. I’m out of milk,… and bread,…. just basic stuff. But I can’t go shopping because I can’t walk there yet. Once a month I take a taxi.

But the other issue is financial. I don’t have any money until the 15th of this month. I really have given up when it comes to my money situation. I just don’t bring in enough to pay for what I need. K**K used to top me up when I needed it so I was always thankful for that, but he is no longer around. I haven’t been able to use the food bank as the volunteer transportation isn’t running right now so I haven’t even been able to get help there.

This is the reason I have given up on my life. I can’t pay my bills each month and it’s only getting worse with each passing year as inflation goes up but my income doesn’t. It’s a constant worry every single day. Combined with having no one in my life (except Michelle who lives two hours away) to talk to my life has become incredibly empty.

This isn’t because I don’t have any hobbies or interests,… I have loads of interests. I LIVE for my Toronto FC soccer team. I loved doing ancestry. I love music,… and reading,…. and walking,…. and hiking,…. and concerts,… and the theater,…. I mean there is no limit to my interests. Having no money means I am unable to enjoy them.

I wake up and there is nothing to do. So I clean. And play Facebook game on my computer to pass the hours. There are times I look at my clock and its only 3 in the afternoon. I wonder what the hell else I can do to pass the time. I’m bored. Irritatingly bored. And on top of all this,… I am always in a lot of pain. And I find dealing with pain all the time is very wearing.

I am finding myself waking up angry. Resentful. Sad. Depressed. And sadly now despondent,…. I find myself thinking more and more that my life is finished now. And I no longer want to be here.  “Here” is torture to me right now. Endless hours to fill every single day. My heart is numb. There is no spirit inside of me anymore,….. My soul has been broken. Too many people throwing me away because they didn’t want me. It really seeps into your soul all that. The feeling of being unwanted. Abandoned. Worthless. And each time some else leaves I go deeper and deeper into myself to lick my wounds.

And I guess this time I have just given up. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care to be here. I don’t care to talk to anyone. I don’t care about myself,….. I just have no feeling anymore. Numb. Closed down.

Do you have to worry about me? No, I am not going to end it all. I have tried that and it didn’t work. I just get thrown in the hospital where I’m forgotten about. So what is the answer? I haven’t a clue. I just know I’m empty inside.

 

 

No self worth and the married man

I woke up this morning angry. And bitter. And depressed. I just don’t want to go on but can’t end it.

I met K**k 3 years ago. He told me he was single and available.

Wasn’t long – days in fact – that I realized he was married. He had LIED to me. I forgave him.

Nine months later I find out he is seeing another woman Lori – and had been for a year while he was seeing me. I end the relationship. But eventually go back to him.

Then I find out he is seeing ANOTHER woman – Tammy! AND he still hadn’t ended things with Lori so he was married,…. seeing me,…. AND Lori and Tammy.

I leave him again. But again come back. (see – no self worth at all!)

I now know Lori is out of the picture but he is still seeing Tammy. We decide to get back together so he says he ended it with Tammy.

Three weeks later I find out he HASN’T ended it with Tammy. So he is married to Kacey,…. seeing me,…. AND seeing Tammy,…..

I end it yet again. But when he says he has finally told Tammy good-bye I get back with him,….

Are we seeing a pattern here?

Now it’s just him, his wife Kacey and me,……

I have had to poke, prod, goad, force,….. him to tell his wife about us. It took 3 years. But he is still living in the same house as her. As usual he has so many promises but no real plans,…. just talk,….

I woke up Friday and finally saw all of this so clearly. He is a serial cheater and liar.

He says hes moving out and we can finally start a life together,…. although he is saying this while STILL living with his wife. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. And he is standing back scratching his head wondering why I have ended his farce once and for all.  I mean he really doesn’t get why I have ended it!! He doesn’t have a fucking clue what he has put me through. He hasn’t got a fucking clue how he has made me feel like a worthless piece of shit that is only good for seconds,….. He just doesn’t understand why I’m totally fed up with the whole thing.

I’m over it. I don’t even want him anymore. Cheaters will ALWAYS be cheaters and LIARS will always lie,…… So no thank you K**k I think I would rather be alone and miserable than with someone who can’t see just how much they have hurt me. Made me feel like I have had to fight for any love.

I am not worth nice men. Only married men. Only men who want to use me as their plaything. Their bit on the side. Well NO MORE!!!

I know K**k is going to read this and wonder why I’ve ended it,…. and why I’m so angry and bitter that I had to force him to break up with women…. to tell his wife about us,…… in other words, I have had to fight to show my worth and in the end I was worthless.

I see this relationship clearly now. I should never have had to fight him tooth and nail every step of the way to get him single and available,…. he should have WANTED to do that for me,… but he didn’t.

K**k your a sorry excuse for a man. You USE woman and hurt them and you don’t even care as long as you get your jollies. Who cares how us USED women feel. Fuck you K**K M*K**y.  Your indecisiveness,…. your failure to see my worth and fight for it,….. have ruined everything.

Now I’m alone. Angry. Bitter. Resentful. Depressed.

My life is a fucking shit show and I’m over it.

No. One. Fucking. Cares.

Not even me anymore