Talking to Heaven

A different day,.. a different mood,… I am feeling better again. I had a few days there that were kind of dark but I seem to be on the up-swing now.

Sunday night my girls came here to visit. They were all excited because Monday they had a “secret” planned for my birthday. They wouldn’t tell me where we were going or what we were doing. I was just told to be up and ready to go by 10:00am. Now I have to confess that I am a secretive present snooper. Christmas and Birthdays would find me snooping around for any presents. I had the curiosity of a cat and the no patience to wait. I’m the worst person to try and surprise. But both girls held their stand and even as we were getting in the car to go I was absolutely clueless as to what their great “surprise” was.

We ended up in another town, in a neighbourhood I had never been to before. They knocked on this strangers door.  I was actually a bit nervous. Who lives here? And why am I here? It turns out this was a “Medium” ~ I had no clue at all. It was a complete surprise. And I’m sure I looked a bit like a deer in headlights as we were welcomed in. Five minutes later I was alone in a room with just the medium. I had no idea what to expect. But it ended up being amazing! I have a healthy faith but in the end, no one knows where we go once we pass on. I’d sure like to think we go to heaven. Mediums? psychics? I think there are a lot of fakes out there but I also believe there are true mediums who can communicate to “the other side”. I went into it with a healthy skepticism but wanting so hard to believe.

If it is to be believed,… then I “talked” to my Mom and Dad,…. This medium told me things that no one could possibly have known. Things that happened in my family when I was a child. Things that only my parents would know,… (again, if it is to be believed ~ and I was leaning over to the “believe” side now) then this ‘reading’ was one of the most comforting and amazing things I have ever done. Obviously I won’t get into everything that was said, but some things,… like my boys are with Mom and Dad and the medium said Mom was holding one of them. She also said I would definitely be reunited with them some day when I pass on. In the end there were many tears. It was very emotional.  I am so glad I went.

And my girls? How amazing are they? What a unique and beautiful gift to give someone. I have the best kids in the world.

So today I am feeling great. Mathilda is laying low in her dark den so that I can come out and shine. I love having these really good days.

The dark side of Mathilda

Wow, what a difference a few days can make. I was having such a good run of feeling so much better. I was getting out,… sleeping well,… coping with everything,… but the past few days have changed. I haven’t slept much at all. This new medication has an annoying side effect. It makes me shake. (like I’ve had 12 coffees) And I also get what I can only describe as jerky jumps. All of a sudden my arm or leg will just jerk. Or my body will “jump” A bit like you would see in a person with turrets. I can’t really explain it but trust me, its very annoying – not to mention embarrassing. That has been a real problem over the past few days. So I haven’t gone out because I’m afraid it will happen in front of people. The only thing I have found that actually works in relaxing me enough for it to stop is,… weed. I don’t smoke it. I have a vaporizer so I “vape” it. (just like the new cigarettes out) I don’t get very high at all ~ I just get super relaxed and the shaking and tremors get much better. But, that creates a problem in itself as it’s not very readily available ~ aside from my kids I don’t know anyone who smokes it so it’s really hard to get. Not to mention that it’s just plain embarrassing to admit that me,.. a 50 year old Mom of 2,… uses marijuana.  But I do. I just wished it was legal so I don’t feel like some criminal every time I use it. I’m sure its rather amusing to watch me stick my head out the window so as not to let the smell in. I live in an un-official seniors apartment building that is strictly a non-smoking building so I’m like a 15 year old kid trying not to get caught. Even I smile at the ridiculousness of it all But I now see why sick people are fighting so hard to make it legal. It works. It can change peoples lives. I don’t do it to be ‘cool’ or to ‘fit in’,… I do it to feel better.

I have also been suffering from severe anxiety. One of the symptoms of anxiety and OCD is checking things. With me, I seem to have a problem with my door. My brain keeps telling me that there are people out in the hall and I’m not safe. So I’m continually checking and re-checking that the door is locked. Why I think there’s someone out there is beyond me. When its really bad, I can’t go to bed because I’m just plain scared to. If I go to sleep the person will break into my apartment so I have to stay awake to keep an eye on the door. That has been happening for the past two nights so I haven’t slept and feel like a wreck with exhaustion. I can see why they used sleep deprivation in medieval torture because it really is a horrible feeling being so exhausted you can’t even think straight. Again the only thing I have found to help this is the weed. It relaxes me enough so that the anxiety lessens to a degree of “comfort” so that I can feel safe. I know this must sound completely batty to everyone reading this but again,.. its just another symptom of my illness.

So for the present anyway, I am back to being my old agoraphobic, anxious OCD self. Back to “just try to accomplish 3 things today” In other words,… Mathilda has returned. I am back to not coping. And unable to leave my apartment. It sucks. I’m so embarrassed of my illness sometimes. I feel like people think I’m just lazy or I want to create this drama. But it really is frighteningly real.  So for the time being I will be a ‘crazy cat lady recluse’ until I feel better. Usually it’s in a few days. Mental illness is anything but predictable. It’s up and down and good and bad. It’s a roller coaster ride that I didn’t’ line up to go on.

Roll on tomorrow,… Hopefully it will be a better day.

On a good wave,…

I think  I can say with determined optimism that things are going great. I feel better,… I’m sleeping better,… My life is generally doing better. Dare I even whisper that this new medication is helping for fear of jinxing it,… but,… I do. I do think this medication is what I needed. I’m not “cured” by any means. But in my world just going outside is a huge step forward and I have been doing that and more.

My dinner out with “The 1963 Club” went well. In fact, I really enjoyed it and it was awesome to see my “forever friends” again. We went to a small restaurant here in Fergus I had heard so much about. But once we got inside I didn’t realize just how small and busy it was. Of course I panicked. People! Too many people and all too close ~ claustrophobia!! But we managed to get a table that allowed me to sit right beside a large window so that helped. And once we got settled and chatting I became much more comfortable. I even managed to not do all the silly little quirks I would normally do if I had been alone. Like clean my cutlery,… or wipe my glass,… or wash my hands with sanitizer every 15 minutes. That’s not to say it wasn’t in the front of my mind constantly,… I was just able to control it for those few hours. That’s a big step for me. I still couldn’t control the anxiety completely though. I felt very shaky and trembled my way through dinner. That is always an embarrassing thing for me. My new medication makes me shake so much I look like I’m going through de-tox. I can only hope no one noticed too much. After dinner we came back to my apartment for coffee. I felt much more relaxed then. I enjoyed it so much. It was great to catch up with everyone’s lives. We are already talking about having another night out.  It certainly made turning 50 far less painful. 🙂

The next day I had a birthday dinner at my brothers house. Good food as always. Another success at getting out. But I do have to admit that after such a busy weekend I was worn out mentally. All that adventuring out of my comfort zone really does take a lot out of me. I spent the rest of the week back to my old agoraphobic, anxious self. But that’s ok. I know that in ‘my world’ that there are good days and bad so I am thankful for the good and I know the bad won’t be here forever. I am just so proud of myself for going out for that dinner. A year ago there was NO WAY I could have done that. And not only did I do it,… I enjoyed it. That is definitely a foot in the right direction.

Today? today isn’t one of my better days. All I have managed to accomplish is having a shower. I feel anxious and overwhelmed and totally exhausted. But instead of letting it get me down, I just tell myself that today is almost over and tomorrow is a new day I can start fresh. In “my world” you have to applaud yourself for the good days you accomplish and accept the bad days for what they are.