Yesterday my Canadian government found 100 million dollars and gave it to the gay community.
“Canada invests $100 million into “historic” action plan for 2SLGBTQI+ communities“
When I read this,… my blood boiled. Disabled people are SUFFERING and the government can only find a 5% increase to give to us to help us. ($50 extra a month on top of the $1,169.00) Which is of course a slap in the face. An insult. NO ONE CAN LIVE ON THIS MEAGRE AMOUNT!!!!!!!! This decision tells me I’m not worth helping. But apparently the gay community is worth helping. To the tune of 100 million dollars. I’m only worth $1,169.00 a month.
So,… reading this has made me feel even better about the plans I have made for my suicide.
Everything has been planned right down to the date and time. There is no turning back now. I choose a date so that I know it IS going to happen. And knowing it is going to happen has left me feeling relief. I have started cleaning out my apartment. Going through all my closets and pantries and drawers and throwing things away. I am preparing to die now. And part of that is getting rid of my belongings. My bedroom is done. Nothing in there but a few clothes. By the time I die,… this apartment will be empty.
Happy housing????? I’ll be gone. One of your best tenants who kept her apartment immaculate will be gone. But the trouble makers who ruin it for us here will always be allowed to stay. Your priorities are fucked housing. But if you are going to threaten me with eviction all the time,… then fine,… I’ll be gone. Your problem will be gone,…
I have had a lot of time to think over the past week. I’ve done nothing BUT think. My life is out of control right now and I need to make some decisions to gain back some control. And sadly,… here is my decision.
I called my family doctor and the MAiDs doctor and I have told them to cancel everything with me as I no longer need their services. I have given up on MAiDs. They are never going to be able to help me. My doctor was so insistent that I talk with MAiDs and in the end,… I don’ meet their criteria. So fuck ’em. She was just placating me to keep me alive.
I am now in full self-euthanasia mode. I have called Hayley’s rehab and spoken with her therapist and asked them to talk among themselves to see what is the best course of action to tell Hayley. So they are in a meeting as I write this. They will decide when and how to tell Hayley. They don’t know I have cancelled MAiDs and am planning on doing it myself. So they are working under the belief that I will be medically euthanized when in fact no body fucking cares how much pain I’m in and no one will be helping me to end my life. But myself. But with the ‘cover’ of using MAiDs,… I can get help for Hayley now.
I have cancelled all appointments regarding MAiDs. It is no longer an option for me.
Now,… I just live for the next 3 months. I will hope to share my last Christmas ever with Hayley. And that is ALL that matters to me right now.
My eviction. They can do what they want. I’m not going to be here to have to deal with it. You want me out Housing,…. fine,…. I’m out. I’m gone. You never to have to worry about me and non-payment of your fucking rent again.
So now,… I pay NO MORE RENT and I just spend that money on stuff I want to do. I’m going to rent a cottage and a car for myself and finally, after 22 years, have a fucking vacation!!!!!
I am going to take every dime ODSP gives me and I am wasting it on nothing but food and fun.
I deserve it. I have struggled for the past 22 years,….. so now I live for ME. So fuck off world. I am not giving anyone another red cent of mine. You can all go fuck yourselves. I’m going out with a bang,……
I was born into the Holyoak family. I wasn’t wanted. I was passed around from person to person because my mother was too busy partying to want or care for me. So I ended up in the system. Eventually adopted into a wonderful family (The Morgan’s) who gave me a “leave it to Beaver” childhood which I loved and will always be grateful for. It was the only time in my entire life that I felt safe and wanted. But when puberty set in, so did my mental health issues. And the Morgans didn’t like that. So from there on in, my relationship with them was always like walking on egg shells. I think it is safe to say my Mother did not like me. She ‘put up with me‘ so she could have my kids in her life. But she never hid from me that she was fed up and didn’t like me. While living with her in 2003 – I came home to find my stuff on a lawn chair and a note with directions to a homeless shelter. So, yeah,… I think it’s safe to say the Morgans in the end didn’t want me either.
So I don’t have a family. Just my two daughters. And with Hayley in Rehab and Michelle refusing to acknowledge I’m alive, I have no one. So holidays are spent alone. Christmas,… Thanksgiving,… Easter,…. all of them. I spend alone if I even celebrate the day at all. Christmas morning is just another morning to me. No presents. no family. just me alone. It’s a very very lonely existence.
I had a cousin write a comment on here about please don’t go through with MAiDs. She herself is disabled confined to a wheelchair so I respect this girls opinion. She knows all about disability. However,…. She lives in a very loving family. Everything is taken care of for her. Finances,… everything. She does not have to go through the physical grind of being disabled with no help what-so-ever. One,… I just can’t afford to live on what they give me ~ I am actually SUFFERING doing without basic needs. SHE does not have to live on $1,169.00 a month on her own. THAT is the difference. She has a loving family who cares very much about her and makes sure she has every need given to her. She is a lucky girl indeed.
You see the difference to being alright and not when your on ODSP is whether your alone. My sister-in-law ~ the judgmental princess who has never had a hardship in her life but feels she can judge how everyone else does things ~ has fibromyalgia (same as me) but I have many more issues than she does. Anyway,… when SHE was diagnosed she was married and living in a beautiful home. My brother and her live a very privileged life. So when she was diagnosed and couldn’t work she was alright because my brother was there to take care of her. Nothing in her life changed. But with me,… I was alone. So I had NOONE to help take care of me so I had to do it alone. And as you can see,… our government doesn’t allow me to do that. They don’t provide enough to give me the help I need just to live. And I have NO SUPPORTIVE FAMILY what-so-ever to help me. I don’t have a family to take me in and take away the burden of my finances. I don’t have a supportive loving family to help me get groceries and go to doctors appointments. No,.. I am left to do all that on my own. And now that I am going to be 59 next month, I am just finding I am too old and frail now to do these things. I can’t walk anymore. Or stand. I am completely reliant on my walker now. So life is very hard physically. And I am now just getting too old to do it.
So if your disabled and have family you are probably doing alright and wondering why I am complaining so much. But if you are on your own and end up on ODSP ~ you may as well end it all now because life on ODSP ~ alone ~ is insufferable.
So THAT my dear cousin is why I am choosing MAiDs and why you don’t have to. Because you have a wonderful loving family who loves and cares for you deeply. I don’t have that. I am on my own and it’s just too hard.
Disabled people in Ontario have been waiting on a raise from ODSP for YEARS! Yesterday we got one. 5%. So now instead of $1,169.00 I will get $1,227.00, I’m sorry but that is a joke. NO ONE can live on that amount of money.
So when we can’t pay our rent ~ and of course we can’t. We get hounded with eviction threats.
We already live a life of miserable struggle.
So I’m not waiting for MAiDs. I know I said I would. but that was under the impression that things would get better. But things aren’t getting better. They are getting worse.
So August 28th 2022 ~ The day Ontario housing wants me evicted because I’m simply disabled and don’t get treated as a worthy human being, I will now have to HIDE inside my apartment for the remainder. Because in societies eyes I don’t deserve housing. You can’t pay ~ get out!
I’ve been homeless and THAT is NEVER happening again. It’s inhumane.
So if housing wants me out,… they are going to have to come and DRAG ME OUT because I am sick of being punished because DOUG FORD has no respect for disabled people. And because of this,… THOUSANDS of disabled people are severely struggling and just want to end their lives because of it.
I hate this province and I hate Doug Ford and I hate the people who are controlling every single aspect of my life.
No more.
If MAiDS won’t help,… I’ll just do it myself. I guess I will need to get that Fentanyl afterall.
My appointment with MAiD went very well yesterday. It was the doctor who does this in Ontario (Not sure if I’m allowed to use her name?) She was lovely. Just before she got there, I had taken .2 grams of the Phoenix tears oil so that I wouldn’t be in so much pain so I could concentrate on every detail of what was talked about.
I let her know I didn’t really have faith in anyone or anything at this point and didn’t expect them to be able to help me either. For the past few years I have been looking for help everywhere and doors just seem to slam shut. So I’ve all but given up on getting help anymore. I think what I liked about her most was her honesty. I have OCD. Therefore my personality can be rigid about things. I need to have a schedule. I need to know when things are going to happen and how. I am not very good at winging it. So she promised me that she would be honest so I would always know where I stood. We spoke for quite some time. Sometimes about dying. But a lot about my life and my past traumas and hardships. We spoke about pain. In the end I looked her strait in the eye and asked her,… “So,… do I qualify for MAiD?”
Probably not at this point in time,… And here’s why. My pain is obviously bad but a lot of my problems stem from the umbrella situation of my life. Pain,… poverty,… and mental illness. As a whole to MAiD, I would be a candidate. But,… I don’t hit all the credentials. To say I was discouraged would be an understatement. But there was a solution if I was willing to hear her out. And I was.
In this first part of MAiD all the criteria stems from patients’ physical pain. But in March 2023 they will be adding the mental health aspect to the criteria. And this doctor feels I have a very good chance of qualifying through this avenue. Right now she can’t promise me this as the criteria is written by lawyers ~ as apposed to medical physicians ~ so right now no doctors know what the criteria will be. She said if it were her criteria I would easily be accepted under the mental health stage criteria. Put together with the pain she could only hope that I would be an acceptable candidate. But she couldn’t promise.
March 2023. That’s 7 months away. And by the time I went through the process of applying more time will have passed. I’m looking at a year. I don’t want to wait a year. I don’t believe I have it left in me to struggle for yet another year.
What do I do?
We discussed it at length and in the end I said I would try to wait but I wouldn’t make any promises either. My mind wants to wait but my body is so tired and in so much pain every day. I just don’t know if I can physically endure another year. But if I were to choose which death I wanted… it would be the peaceful death. With my (one) daughter there and my cat (who can be euthanized at the same time) I want there to be LOVE. PEACE. Not trauma and fear and being completely alone. So I want to wait. The question is will I be able to?
There is an article in our local paper about an indigenous man in my community who is on ODSP (same as I am) and he is so broke he can’t afford housing and he lives in and around Fergus here homeless.
(This is what I wrote on my Facebook timeline with this article)
I’m not the only one suffering. This man lives in MY COMMUNITY! And he, too, is on ODSP. This PROVES you cannot get by on what ODSP pays you. Good luck to you Running Bear,… I’m sorry that our society has failed you. *** hugs ***
Warning: this story contains language some may find offensive
FERGUS – A man living rough with his dog in Fergus said although he’s been let down by society, he’s not looking to be a problem to locals and is staying positive
Running Bear has been in the area for a few weeks now, living in a tent set-up near the Grand River with his dog Demon, a German shepherd, husky and wolf mix. EloraFergusToday agreed not to reveal the exact location of his encampment for safety reasons.
In an interview, Running Bear was guarded about revealing too much about himself but said he’s an Indigenous person originally from Mattawa who has been travelling around the province for at least a year.
Running Bear has seen some support from the community who have brought him some supplies and food for him and Demon. He’s looking to keep a low profile and respect the land he’s staying on.
“I’m here graciously, I’m to have no fires because there is a fire ban right now and I’m so close to their homes and I got so much dry stuff around me it’ll set the whole thing on fire,” Running Bear said.
Although he embraces some parts of living outside, his reason for it boils down to affordability.
“We can’t pay $1,500 and up for rent, me and my pup can only pay $500,” Running Bear said, adding this is a widespread issue.
“Everywhere is bullshit, it’s always $1,500 and up, no matter what. There’s no breaks.”
The only government support he said he gets is through ODSP, which isn’t enough to cover shelter for him and Demon. Running Bear said he has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, kidney failure, a bad back and a numb leg.
“I don’t really care about that because I know I’m gonna die soon, forget about that health stuff and live your life,” Running Bear said.
Although he said he feels more capable than some people would be to live outside — and he doesn’t think Demon minds the outdoors too much — he acknowledged it can be a dangerous life.
He said homeless encampments can be dangerous places with substance abuse, theft, physical and sexual violence sometimes being the reality. He said he ultimately sees it as a failure of society to support vulnerable people and push them to extreme measures.
“Today’s society is pushing people way too far, why does today’s society have to make one person kill for another man’s things?” Running Bear said.
“We have a rampant disease besides COVID, it’s our homeless, our veterans, people on pensions that need a couch, a room, someone’s ear to talk to, someone to understand and be patient with them,”
Running Bear expects he’ll move on eventually, to where he won’t reveal, and plans to figure something out for housing so he can work towards his goal of training dogs “the native way.”
Despite his situation, Running Bear said all he can do is remain positive.
“You can say a sour word and it will go nowhere, you can share a smile and it can last a lifetime,” Running Bear said.
Ok,… An old friend that I grew up with in the church, made a comment that pissed me the fuck off. Why? Because it was a blatant example of what I ALWAYS get from society because I am poor. People think because you live in poverty, you don’t deserve things. In this case,… tattoos, cigarettes and alcohol. So,… because we are poor why doesn’t society give us a list of what we are allowed and not allowed to have. because really,… people have very strong opinions on this. And this is exactly what I mean by we are not considered human. People think they have the right to judge everything we do (and boy do they do that) and then tell us we’re wrong and then walk away. Don’t help. Just judge and walk away,…
And that,… in a nutshell,… is exactly what is wrong with people today. They have very strong opinions on what you do,… but won’t lift a finger to help you. Just judge.
I have been a victim of this for the past 3 years and I am now down to just a handful of friends left. because no one gets poverty. They tell me I brought it on myself,… (I stopped being able to walk and became disabled) they say I don’t know how to prioritize and budget (I don’t have the money to prioritize ~ It never existed to budget) And for some reason,… they think we deserve to be miserable.
I understand this person is going through some financial stuff. But I also have been watching her go on beautiful vacations that I was enjoying following. SHE hasn’t given up anything of value. TRY giving up FOOD ` then you will have the right to complain. This person is a CHRISTIAN that I grew up with in my family church. She is an awesome lady. So i am totally flabbergassted at this attitude that homeless people aren’t deserving. That is NOT a Christian attitude at all.
I write this not to shame my friend,… but to point out the prejudices that I face every single day. And for some reason, when you are poor, people think they have the right to tell you what you can and cannot do. I am a person. With a heart and a soul. And I have lost EVERYTHING over the past 3 years!!!!!! So If I want to buy some weed and smoke some weed I will damn well buy some weed and smoke it. But let me tell ya,…. everyone will have an opinion on that and I get told every single day I shouldn’t be buying it. Well one,… it’s dirt cheap. Cheaper than food and cigarettes and alcohol and other basic needs and two,… it’s my pain medication. WHY do people believe you don’t deserve just because you live in poverty
Today is a sad day. My family doctor called me. There is a meeting tomorrow with MAiD (medical assistance in dying). I have hit a wall and I just don’t want to do this grind anymore. It’s getting too physically hard for me to do the simplest of things. My pain is physical,… mental,…. and emotional,…. and it has now become all consuming.
So I have chosen to move up my MAiD process. Dr. G***r, the doctor who performs this end of life procedure is coming here to my apartment tomorrow at 3:00. (To talk more ~ NOT to perform it)My family doctor knows that I have taken about as much as I can take. i told her I don’t have much faith in the system at all. I told her I’m afraid to even continue on with the process as I have been told NO on every occasion that I just don’t believe anyone would ever help me. I could hear in my family doctors voice that she see’s I am at the end and have nothing left. She asked me to please see Dr. G***r tomorrow as she feels she can help me to finally end my life.
Now that it’s here and so REAL I thought I might panic a bit. But instead,… I just feel relief that an end may be in sight.
Housing FINALLY called me back! And it is good. (or at least not bad news). The woman who was working there has been “removed form her position“. But before she left, she wrote up so many people in our building. Almost everyone I spoke to got some form of complaint from her. I got my eviction notice. She was harassing not only me but everyone.
I have not been well since I received this eviction in the mail last week. My mental health has been triggered. I have been suffering constant panic attacks. I have had to move my mattress from my bedroom into the livingroom where the tv is because I can’t sleep due to panic attacks. The minute I lie in bed my mind starts And before I know it I can’t breath and I am out of bed pacing around my apartment trying to breath. One time it got so bad I had gone out onto my balcony trying to get air when I thought “If I just jump over this balcony ~ it can all go away” But luckily I just kept fighting them. I haven’t slept in three nights. I’m just up pacing fighting panic attacks.
Anyway,… I spoke to a ‘new’ person in housing and for the first time in five years she sat and listened to me. JUST LISTENED! No one has done that. So she is promising to look into my eviction notice, my storage unit break in (which still no one has even looked into) and the sexual harassment of the neighbour in the smoking gazebo all us women have to put up with. There is a list the length of my arm of stuff going on here that shouldn’t be going on. That housing has turned a blind eye to. But I told her everything.
She can’t make the eviction notice ‘go away’ as it’s official housing now. But after explaining how on ODSP we don’t get ‘extra’ money to cover past debts she said she will look into it for me. SHE will call OW (Ontario Works) to see if their is a discretionary fund to pay this back-rent. I don’t hold my breath. But it does buy time. I was also told that unless they come to my door with a sheriff and a warrant they cannot remove me from my home.
But this is the problem. Dignity. For the rest of my life I will have to live like this. Living with not being able to pay my rent. Living with eviction notices hanging over my head. Look what that has done just over the past week. I was so frustrated I banged my head against the wall so many times and so hard that I have a black eye. I think this is proof that I have come to my wall. I can’t take much more of this. In this world right now,… I am worth $756.00. If I can pay it – I will be given the courtesy of being left alone (until the next time I can’t pay) or if I cannot pay,… being evicted. That’s what I am worth. Seven hundred and fifty six dollars. I have a value. and I can’t pay it. So every month I will be stressed out wondering if this is the month I get thrown out onto the street? It really is no way to live.
But some good news. I got a call from Hayley. She is going into her 8th week of rehab and she is doing brilliant!! I am so damn proud of this girl. She was at rock bottom and in two months she has worked so hard and is sober. Addiction is hard. Fentanyl addiction is harder. Apparently the urge NEVER goes away. So I know she has a long road ahead of her. But she is so strong. I can really see a change in her. She sounds stronger. Clearer. And she is doing well mentally. I had to break down and tell her about the storage unit being broken into. I didn’t tell her before as I was worried it would effect her recovery. But I had to know about a certain Bluetooth device whether she had it or if it got stolen so I had to tell her. (In the end, she had it phew) Obviously she was worried about her stuff. We decided her friend is going to come over tomorrow night and pick up her stuff and bring it to his place so its safe. Damn whoever stole her stuff. Why do people steal? Hard-earned stuff gone just because someone feels they deserve it for free and therefore just takes it. It couldn’t have come at a worse time. I hope they are enjoying all of my stuff.
This morning I took my coffee and turned on Facebook as I do every morning only to see Michelle and her ‘family’ at Toronto’s Zoo. Baby and all. Having a lovely family day out. Mother-in-law,… Aunt,… cousins,… Why do I torture myself with this everyday? It’s fucking torture,…..
I am now depressed. For the past 24 hours I have taken to my bed and I have not gotten up. I feel nothing anymore. Numb.
I have been given an eviction notice. Pay $756.00 or your evicted. I can’t pay it. People keep telling me just show them your willing to pay it and they will give you an extension. But I don’t have the money. I NEVER will. I don’t make enough to even get me my basic needs each month. There’s NOT ENOUGH ~ I certainly don’t have any left over to pay off past debts. So when they hear you can’t pay ~ well,…. I guess your a nobody who doesn’t deserve a home then.
So I have given up.
I asked on Facebook if there is anyone who can store my belongings for a bit as once I’m evicted,… I lose it all. But no one got back to me. That makes me sad. I have lost dozens of friends who have de-friended me ever since my poverty issues started. I guess it blemishes their day to read my posts of struggle. Afterall,… Facebook is suppose to be fun in social media. No one wants to read about others hardships. That just blemishes their day. Ew,… scroll by,… scroll by,….
Usually my friend B***y steps in (not with money – but with support and care) but she has left to go down east on her vacation. So now I don’t even have anyone to talk to.
This makes me sad,… My friend D****n is my neighbor down the hall. Over the past few years he has become like a son to me. (HE may not think this – lol) but I have grown fond of him and look out for him like he was my own. Anyway, my eviction has upset him too. Now D****n is the same as me. He lives on ODSP and has nothing either. But over the past few days he has done nothing but try and sort this out for me. I think he can see that I have nothing left anymore and he now wants to help. HE – who really has nothing to give – has figured out a way to come up with some money. We have to pay it back but it’s there,… Now I am choosing not to do this as I am not going into debt just to pay housing. Then they get their money but now I owe someone,… so I’m not starting that. However,… just the gesture that he would do all this for me warmed my heart. He cares what happens to me. He doesn’t want to see me evicted. A man with nothing willing to give me the shirt off of his back to save me. That’s friendship. Where is Michelle?
And my family? My cousin J** has always said he wants to help,… he wants me in his life,…etc,…. but when it comes right down to it,… I’m not REAL family. His wife has a brother who is in the EXACT same position I am. On ODSP and can’t survive on his own. So my cousin J**n took him in and his mother-in-law and he takes care of them.. Their his REAL family. But during Covid when I couldn’t even get groceries and needed TONS of help – my family took their wagons and circled their own families and took care of them during the pandemic. Not one of these people considered ME as REAL family and no one even checked to see that I was ok. (I wasn’t) So,… he will help REAL family,… I’m just not considered REAL family. not his immediate circle that he has been with all his life. No,… I’m just a cousin who showed up a few years ago and I’m great for BBQ’s and once or twice a year get-t0-gethers but when I’m in REAL trouble. No one is ever REAL family so no one ever helps. You are only ever wanted when it’s convenient. Right now it is anything BUT convenient so people are de-friending and ignoring and turning their heads away because quite frankly they don’t know WHAT to do. So they do nothing and I end up feeling unwanted and like no one cares. The only people who have helped me are the ones who are down here in poverty with me. They are willing to give me the shirt off their back. Why doesn’t my family care? I’m going to be homeless and no one in my family has even contacted me or showed any concern at all.
So i think it’s safe to say my family is gone. I’m a burden to them they can’t help so they ignore.
Feeling unwanted is really lonely. So i have taken to my bed with depression until housing throws me out.
As I write this I have a black eye and my face is black and blue with a big lump over my eye. Why? Because when I received the letter from housing in the mail that I have until August 28th to pay back $756.00 or I will be evicted. I have been getting picked on by the woman in housing because when I had my storage unit broken into I asked for their help and they IGNORED me. They refused to lift a finger to find out who was in that storage unit but they refuse to help. (???) So I have been calling and messaging and trying to get help from that but have been completely ignored. NOT EVEN A PHONE CALL BACK! Then I started getting letters saying I was doing this and doing that ~ all not approved by housing. Five years I have lived here no problem and suddenly they get this new person working at Ontario Housing office and she takes a dislike to me. Now she is harassing me. To the point where she has given me 2 weeks to pay my $756.00 or she is starting proceedings to have me evicted. I feel singled out. I feel like she is punishing me because she can. So when I got the eviction notice I had had enough. I was at the end of my coping rope. I feel like they are putting me into a vice and squeezing ~ pay up or you get thrown out and be homeless. That isn’t right. A person should not have to live with the threat of eviction being thrown at them. You can’t live like that. No stability. The fear of being homeless. I just can’t cope with this anymore.
I DON”T HAVE YOUR FUCKING MONEY HOUSING!!!!!!!
So your just going to harass me until you can evict me. Wow. That’s’ having empathy for the poor isn’t it???
So yeah,… I got so mad and so frustrated that I was being threatened yet again with eviction that I lost it. I banged my head against the corner of the door over a dozen times as hard as I could. I think in that moment I just wanted to die. I have had my limit. I will NOT live my life under the threat of eviction. It’s not right and it’s harrassment.
I’m fucking done.
I’m going to be homeless because I can’t pay $756.00 to housing and the girl who is in charge of all of this apparently doesn’t like me and wants me evicted.
So,… housing,… you want me gone by the 28th? Ok fine,… I will be gone. But not in the way you think. And maybe your office just may have to explain how you drove a tenant to suicide,…… harassment!
Coffee Confessions 
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