crash into reality

Wow, that didn’t take long. I was so happy to see my family on the weekend and it gave me a real high. But I should have realized that once I got home again things would crash back down to earth in a real hurry. Bang – REALITY! All my problems and worries were unfortunately here waiting for me once I got back home.

I woke up the next morning sick with a bad cold. Must have been an omen. My day started with a call from one of my ‘debts’ wanting money. Now that I’ve cancelled all my frills on my phone I don’t have call display so I didn’t see who it was. Bam, got me. Wheres my last two months payment? Arghhh,…

Then, the computer tech guys called. It’s gonna be $180.00 to fix my computer. Hmmm,… had to think about that one so I left it but after much thought I decided that it was better to go ahead and fix it rather than buy a whole new computer. So, go ahead I tell them. Then this morning,… another call. They don’t have my operating system CD (which I swear I gave to them – they say the box was empty -I swear it wasn’t) So they have no choice but to put Windows 7 on it instead (an update) or I will have no operating system at all which means of course the computer is basically no good. How much will that be? Another $150.00! OMG! Am I being taken for a ride here? I did get a bit snarky with them but they dug in their heels insisting they’re doing all they can for the cheapest they can. I don’t know, I’m no computer expert and the computer was DEAD when I brought it in. OK, OK, OK,… go ahead and do that. What are we up to now? $380.00??? Guess that’s going on my credit card which I don’t have the ability to pay. Man,… its one thing after another right now.

I’m so frustrated. So today I thought I’d come to the library and catch up with e-mail & facebook and my blog, etc,… I get here, book a computer, & realize I have left my glasses at home. Arghh,… so I go home to get them, and GET A F***ing ticket for speeding!!!! Honestly, I should have just stayed in bed and pulled the covers up over my head and stayed there for the rest of the day. It’s not even 1:00pm yet – what else is going to go wrong????

Yes, this blog entry is definitely a RANT! But I needed to rant. Big time. I’m so frustrated and tired of all my money problems. When will things start looking up again?

But on the plus side? Maggie jumped up on my lap earlier and gave me a few licks and a cuddle. Thank God for our furry little friends. Shes such a sweet heart and instantly made me smile.

So, I’m not sure when I’m getting my computer back now. probably tomorrow at the earliest. probably best I stay away from blogging anyway until I feel a bit better. So I think I won’t bother blogging again until next week. Hopefully by then things will be a lot rosier!!!!!!

Awesome Weekend!

Wow, considering I didn’t know what to expect this weekend it actually turned out to be brilliant. I was going to my Moms for Hayleys 16th birthday as well as helping to clean out her house as she is moving into her retirement home in 2 weeks. On top of this, my brother Glen and his family were going to be there. For those not in the know, Glen and I had a major falling out a few years ago and we haven’t spoken since. So I was expecting tense! tense! tense! But to my surprise, we got on brilliantly! We both just hugged and it went great from there. I was so pleased. I love Glen but we’ve had our issues. I’ve quite missed having him and his family in my life. So hopefully this means we can have a fresh beginning and continue on as friends. 🙂

As for Moms house,… Heartbreaking! It was all so over-whelming for me. I broke down a cried quite a few times. 46 yrs of memories all being boxed away. Take, donate or dump??? Box after box after box,… And I kept coming across all of my Dads things (who has passed away & just kept breaking down) It was so much harder than I ever imagined it was going to be. But, It’s almost done. I do have to say, that Glen & Lisa have done a BRILLIANT job. They have done 90% of it over the past month not to mention having to deal with Mom which sounds like it hasn’t been easy. I really take my hat off to them. They have dug in and got it all done. A LOT of work. They have been great. (I know you’ll never read this guys but WELL DONE! Love you both and appreciate everything you’ve done). Nov 6th is the day Mom moves so it’s only 2 weeks away now. I think she’ll be so much happier and I know it will make things easier for everyone who has been taking care of her. (The Perkins, The Fords and the Church – THANK YOU!) Because she’ll be somewhat closer to me now I’m hoping to make the effort to visit her quite often. So that s that,…. a lifetime packed away and sold to the highest bidder. Chapter over,…. 😦

Sunday Hayley & I managed to drive to Barrie to visit Michelle at her new apt. (so cute) so I was thrilled to finally do that. Hayley & I then went shopping (she just NEEDED to spend that birthday money now!). Then all too soon it was time to drop her off at home in Tottenham & drive on to Aurora to stay with my Aunt Doreen for the night. She took me out for dinner and then we chatted up a storm into the wee hours of the night. Always have a great time with D!

And today? It’s nearly noon and I’m waiting to go my dreaded Doctor app’t at 2:00. Getting a bit nervous & anxious but sure it will be fine. Good thoughts,… Good thoughts,…. Good thoughts,…. I will blog about what happens when I get the chance next. I have brought my computer in to be repaired and hopefully I will get it back on Wednesday or Thursday and then I’ll be back up on-line blogging, facebook’ing & twittering once again.

But over all it has been a wonderful weekend. I am feeling much better mentally today. (probably a good dose of family love helped there) so I’m almost daring to hope that maybe the depression is lifting a little????? One can hope,….

So until next entry,….

Seroquel and liver damage?

My doctors office called me yesterday to say that my doctor wants me to come in so she can go over my latest blood work. Now for those not in the know, I have had 3 past blood tests show an abnormality in my liver reading. She wanted yet another blood test done, which I did this morning, and then to go and see her on Monday. Now I don’t have a doctor here in St. Thomas becasue there weren’t any taking on new patients when I moved here so I have stayed with my old doctor in Newmarket. But her office is 3 and a half hours drive away. So I’m thinking that my doctor would not make me drive all that way just to tell me things are ok. So, I have to admit that I’m a bit concerned. I’m not freaking out or anything because I know the odds are it’s nothing serious and we can do something to correct the problem. But a tiny bit of me is still concerned it might be more than that.

So, I’ve been at the library researching this and low and behold there in a lot of the books, Seroquel is listed as one drug that can cause liver damage. I have been on high doses of this medication for well over two years now. No one even remotely hinted that there was any need to worry about taking this drug. So I’m a little ticked off that I wasn’t at least warned and given the option to decide whether I wanted to take it. By everything I’m reading we’re not talking about “a slight issue” here – we’re talking “it can be quite dangerous”. But I guess theres no point in worrying until I find out whats up. Could be nothing at all.Roll on Monday & get it over with,….

In the meantime, I will be picking Michelle and Hayley up and driving to my Moms so that we can celebrate Hayleys “16th” birthday. (where did all those years go??) So, I’m quite looking forward to that. A LOT! Downfall? It will probably be the last time I set foot in that house. “The Family Home” It’s been sold and Moms moving out in a few weeks. I know its ridiculous how ‘sappy’ I am being about this but it really will be difficult to see it go and I know I’ll be in big fat crocodile tears when I leave. But, that is life,… Must move forward,…

So signing off here (on a friends computer so don’t want to take long) and will write again next Tuesday.

No more internet

My computer has died! won’t even turn on,… fried!!!! I am so heartbroken becasue I can’t even nearly afford to fix or get a new computer. And the internet is my lifeline to the outside world right now. Just so gutted about this.

So I will not be doing anymore blog posts for quite some time. I will be trying to use the library internet but don’t think I’ll manage to blog. (Just check e-mail and do banking-we only get a 20 minute block) So, sorry everyone,……

If you need to get in touch, my phone number is:  1-+519-207-0436

Sad to see the memories go

Yesterday I traded my lifetime of memories for $210.00!

I came to a point yesterday where I just had no choice but to finally bite the bullet and pawn all my jewellery and my flute. Awww,… It was hard to let it all go. But I haven’t had cash for nearly a month now and it was getting to the point of dire. Hadn’t done laundry in a month because I didn’t have the money ($3.00 a load) I had no gas in my car so was walking everywhere. Food? Just completely draining my pantry supply so that now that too is empty. You should see my fridge! You could yodel in there and Switzerland would hear the echos. God, how did I get myself into such a state.  Well, I know that one don’t I?

It was a surreal experience pawning stuff. Standing in front of someone who judges your belongings on whether there even worth anything. My wedding & engagement rings? Well, you can imagine my shock when I learned the stones were fake!! Fake! My ex-husband bought me fake rings for our marriage. I actually didn’t believe him so took them to a jeweller who confirmed it and then went back to the pawn broker tail between legs. I got $210.00 for them. All 4 rings. (Wedding ring – 2 engagement rings that fit around it – and a birthstone ring – all fake stones) I had a bag full of stuff he didn’t even want. (Lilliput lane ornament worth over $500.00,… Signed & framed Walter Campbell print,…  etc,…apparently these things just don’t sell)

So that was that. My life traded. I came home and promptly burst into tears. Can’t explaine the emptiness I felt.

But I was able to fill the car up with Gas, Get $30.00 change for laundry, and bought some groceries. Didn’t take much to spend. I’m always astounded at how much life costs just to exist. But this now buys me another week or two.

Arghh,…. ♪♪ Selling England By The Pound ♪♪ (An old Genesis song for those old enough to remember,….

My 4:30 am Shandy-gaff

My sleeping habits right now are ridiculous. I’m up all night,… sleep all day,… I think it’s safe to say that I’m having some serious sleeping issues.

This all starts with meds. For the past year and a half I have been on a drug called Seroquel XR and I’ve been taking an extremely high dosage of 700mg a day. (I’m learning most people take about 150 to 200 but my doctor felt I absolutely needed 700!!) So unbeknownst to me I was walking around completely stoned out of my mind for all of that time. I would take my meds and then promptly fall asleep anywhere from 12 to 18 hours and on bad days even 24. When I was awake I was fighting to not fall asleep. I experimented once or twice by purposely not taking my meds and sure enough I was awake and functioning like a ‘normal’ person. But my doctor was always adamant that I never discontinue my course of Seroquel (as well as 300mg of wellbutrin & .1mg of lorazapam) I felt like a drugged out zombie 24-7.

So, when I got the flu last June I couldn’t take my meds. Couldn’t keep them down. My body went through a horrendous withdrawal that I’ll never forget in a hurry. When I finally started to feel better about a month later I suddenly realized that I felt ‘clear’. I can’t tell you what a revelation this was for me. I have been on strong medications of one kind or another for my illness for the past 15 years or so and I guess I just got so used to the feeling of being completely stoned I just didn’t know any different anymore. But suddenly here I was feeling “clear”. It was like someone took away the frosted glasses I was wearing and suddenly I could see. I actually cried with the relief as now I knew it wasn’t me. I was so ashamed of myself over the past 15 years because I had no energy or motivation to do anything. I turned into a couch potato lounging lazy cow. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

So I made the unconventional decision to stay off of my meds. I did not choose to inform my Doctor of this as I knew he would be dead set against it. But I had already been through the bad withdrawal and felt it was the right time. So since June (over 4 months ago) I have been completely clean of any/all drugs. I wouldn’t even take Advil or Tylenol. I was just so sick of chemicals pumping through my blood I just wanted it all gone. I wanted to be completely CLEAN.

Suddenly my world had an awakening. So this is what it was like to get out of bed and be able to keep your eyes open. I was finally rising out of bed before 9:00am. THAT was unheard of for me. (On meds I spend 12-18 hrs in bed sleeping daily – unbelievable I know) I had energy. motivation. I WANTED to live life normally again and it felt wonderful.

But, as you can well have predicted, the cracks in this ‘no-meds’ plan of mine began to show. Subtly enough that I didn’t see it coming. I was slipping back into a severe, dark depression. It was gradual over a few months until one day I realized I had been up watching TV for nearly 12 hours straight and I didn’t even realize. I was almost catatonic in my new-found depression. I went from feeling alive to completely shutting down and feeling NUMB.  I could sit for hours not moving. If the house caught fire I would probobly just have stared at it, paralyzed,…unmoving. 

And this resulted in even more problems with my sleeping patterns. Now I found I went long periods of time without sleep. Sometimes 2 full days. When I finally did sleep it was like I was ‘catching-up’ and sleeping for 18-24 hours. It was a totally messed up situation. But when your depressed, you really don’t care. You don’t live,… you exist,… and for the past few months now this has been my existence. Up two days,…sleep one full day,… up for another 2 days,… and on and on.

The other thing that happened was I completely isolated myself. I didn’t answer the phone. I didn’t want to speak with anyone. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to be with anyone. And yes, that included my family. (My Mom is dealing with her own health issues so she never phoned me either) I went months without talking to anyone. (except on Facebook-I managed to at least keep ‘status-ing’ on Facebook so I wasn’t completely disconnected). It was like I wanted to watch the world and everyone in it from inside a glass globe. I followed everyone on Facebook and twitter and therefore felt like I was still somehow connected to their lives. But, I just didn’t have the energy to really ‘be’ involved in their lives. This is a common symptom of people with depression.

So that’s where I am now. I am sitting at the computer at 5 o’clock in the morning sipping a Shandy-gaff and writing on my blog. I’ve been awake all night. I don’t usually drink. Could never acquire the taste for alcohol but thought tonight I would try this beer/ginger-ale mix to see if it could at least make me relaxed or tired enough to fall asleep. It might be working,… I’m feeling chillaxed (as my daughter would say). The anxiety lifted some. So I’m going to end this here and crawl into bed and hope for the best.

On a final note, I will be seeing my psychiatrist the first week of November so I will be a good girl and tell him that I stopped my meds and that maybe I was wrong and we should re-assess the situation and probably start me back onto something (that will no doubt turn me into a catatonic slug once again) But whats the less of these two evils. Meds:  leaving me so stoned I can’t function and miss out on everything floating by me in life or No Meds: plummeting me into a severe depression that again renders me unable to function. Tough choice.

Why I don’t have a Job

Okay

Again things are swirling around and I’m feeling a little bit judged with maybe a tad bit of resentment mixed in there. But, to clear the air I will comment on that all mighty question “Why don’t I have a job?”

The reason? My health. Or rather the lack of it. I have not been well over the past two years. Mental illness is a cruel disease in that it robs you of your ability to function as a ‘normal’ person in society. Instead I deal with depression, highs, anxiety & social phobias. It more often than not has me sequestered away in my apt not wanting to venture out into the ‘real world’. As mentioned in an earlier post, I am working hard to try to get better but it just seems to be taking much longer and taking more effort than previous ‘episodes’.

The other reason,… I have a difficult time getting jobs and then when I do finally get one I can’t seem to keep it. I have had 21 jobs over the past 30 yrs – and that’s with taking the few years out to raise the girls. (And don’t forget that even though I lost custody of my daughters when I got really sick in 2003, I was there for them in their early years) Right now my resume is not good to say the least. No one wants to hire me because of my job history. Right away they want to know “Why I have had so many jobs?” and then “Why did I leave so many jobs?” and then finally “Why are there such long gaps in between these jobs?” And the answer is of course, my illness. If there’s one thing consistent about bipolar/depression it’s that it’s NOT consistent. I have ups and down. I go through periods where I am doing great. I have a job,.. do really well at it,… and take care of myself pretty much like a ‘normal’ person. But then I will crash. And I will go through a very dark depression which most times lands me in hospital. because these crashes happen so quickly and out of the blue, often I just end up in hospital and don’t even notify my work. Almost always getting fired. You are probably wondering why I don’t call them – and in short, at that moment in time I really can’t. I’m too sick. I’ve either taken to my bed and can’t function or I’m in the hospital. Either way, a job is the last thing on my mind and at that moment could care less if I lose it. It’s not until I start to get better that I realize I am now job-less – again. This has become a pattern that I have followed over and over again. And you can only do this for so many years before it starts to turn around and bite you in the backside.

My last job at Y*** M****** was my favorite. I almost always worked the walk-in shift from 3 to midnight. I did so well at it. I had 3 work appraisals while employed with them and all 3 were above average in my performance. So when I’m ‘well’ I am very capable. But, as in the past, I lost this job (Jan 2008). I ended up in hospital after an attempted overdose. This particular ‘crash’ was a bad one and took a long time to recover from. Then, Y*** M****** was very reluctant to take me back as they weren’t convinced I was strong enough to handle a full-time hectic job yet. But, because they offered no benefits, they could not give me short-term disability. I kept hanging on in the hopes I could go back but they kept saying no. Eventually, I just gave up and resigned. It was obvious they didn’t want me back. (Not that I blame them) It was an unfortunate situation.

I eventually got another job as a cashier at W******. But I left on bad terms there too when after a year I ‘crashed’ again and didnt’ call them. They eventually fired me for not showing up for my scheduled shifts. So, no reference here either,… and so the pattern went on,…

So I am now having a terrible time getting a job. I almost got a job at W****** here in St. Thomas but after they called my last job that fell through, obviously. I tried getting work all over St. Thomas but it’s the same over and over again. Most can’t even see past my resume. If I do manage to get as far as an interview than those 3 dreaded questions are always asked (why so many?Why did you keep leaving/ & why the long gaps in between?,..) and that results in no job offer. I have tried all the fast food, department stores, malls, anything but can’t get myself a job.

Now I am well aware that this is all a result of my own doing. But that doesn’t make it any less frustrating and disheartening. Another job I loved was babysitting but lets face it,…. Bipolar? depression? would you hire me to look after your kids?

So THAT is why I’m not working right now. I want to work but my past work history and my present illness are just preventing me right now. I haven’t given up hope though. Once my hand has healed completely and I’m doing better mentally, I want to look into cleaning houses or something that may be easier to get into as I may get away with not needing references, etc,.. In the meantime, I am open to any & all suggestions. And a helping hand into a job would be greatly appreciated if anyone is in that position to help.

I hope this will end some of the rumours/opinions of me that seem to be floating around. I’m a little bit miffed that I need to ‘air my dirty laundry’ and justify my decisions and actions but I have. I think what bothered me the most, was that the people ‘talking’ haven’t seen or been in my life in well over 10 years so making judgments really wasn’t fair since they have no clue to what I’ve been through or am going through now.  Oh well, such is life,… Some will believe,… some will not,… let the opinions land where they may.

I’ve moved!

I was quite stunned to find when I tried to log into my  “Windows Live Space”  that my  “Blog”  was on, it no longer existed! Luckily, Word Press stepped in and allowed me to save all of my blog posts and just transfer them over to this NEW blog. So far I’m finding it all a bit confusing trying to set it all up but hopefully in time I’ll get used to it.

family home up for sale

I got a call from my brother tonight. I immediately started shaking and got quite upset because we don’t talk at all. So I thought it was “the call”. You know, the one where your told that your parent (in this case my Mom) has been taken to hospital or worse yet passed away. That would have been the one and only reason that would get my brother G*** to ever talk to me again. But luckily, that wasn’t the case. He was calling to say that our Mom was not doing well (this I already knew) and just couldn’t look after herself anymore. She had asked my brother to find her a retirement home and then take care of the selling of her home. This is actually good news. I have been very worried about her in that big house all on her own. Being in a retirement home will give her all the help she will need and she’ll be thoroughly looked after. I am grateful for this.

But I was upset however that I was the last to know,… again. Apparently this all took place a few weeks ago. No one told me. I’m probably just being selfish but it really made me feel left out of the family. I’m now finding out from friends that they already knew too. Their parents living on my Moms street they saw the for sale sign, etc,… so now I’m really feeling left out. I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore. When your not even told your family home is up for sale then you really are out of the loop.

But that aside, because I probably really am being over sensitive,…. Hearing that this home is being sold really hit me hard. Who would think that selling the house I grew up in would upset me so badly? I think it has something to do with it being the only constant in my life when so much else around me was going wrong. When everyone, everything around me failed and/or left that house was always still there with my Mom in it. It was the one place I knew I could go if things got really, really bad. I don’t mean to live there,… I just mean to have a place to go to escape if only for a little bit. But now, that is gone. And if I’m to be honest and face facts, so too will my Mom be soon. When that happens I really will be a mess because aside from my daughters I have no one else. No husband, house, family, friends,… everyone has gone. Left out of my life. My Mom and my daughters are all I have left. Hayley lives at her Dads so it’s difficult to see her. (In Tottenham 300 km away) Michelle is now away at college so it’s really difficult to get out there to see her. (she’s been there since the beginning of September & I still haven’t managed to get out there – just too far of a drive 350 km away) Everyone is just so far away.

For 46 years my parents lived in that house in Brampton. They were always there for us. We had such a happy upbringing. So many great memories. Then in adulthood things started to fall apart for me. But my parents were always there – in that house – a sanctuary. My soft place to fall. And now that is being taken away. The one constant in my life I could always count on. A reminder that life doesn’t stand still. And that good things don’t last forever. It’s a sad day for me. A sad day indeed.