Work in progress

Well, Friday I got brave enough to remove the towel I had stuffed up between the wall and my cupboard where the bat had flown into.  Imagine my surprise when ~ no bat! Oh great. If the bat is not up there, then where is it? I shudder to think. So for the past two days I have been walking into rooms very gingerly.Turning on the lights and then looking around carefully. With every cupboard, drawer or closet I open I expect this thing to come flying out at me. My poor nerves are frayed. Where is this thing??? I may as well resolve myself to the fact that I have just inherited another pet. Maybe I should just give it a name and be done with it. “Boris”  maybe? Or how about  “Barrack O’Bat’ma?”  Maybe I should set out a bowl of food for it every morning like I do my cat. Afterall,…. how bad can bats be? (Oh God,… I just shuttered involuntarily thinking of answers to that question) Rabies,… that’s what. I worry that Maggie will eventually come across its hiding place and it will bite her and Oh,… don’t even want to go there,…. Bottom line,… It’s just a bad situation. I’m doing my best to just not think of it and get on with it. Who wants to take bets of when and where it will eventually turn up?

 I guess it’s time to finally admit that I have slipped back into a depressed fog again. For the past 3 weeks or so I have been fading down, down, down,… I have been exhausted, sad, un-motivated with no energy. I feel this loss of emotional expression ~ a flat affect ~ an empty mood. I see the signs of it getting worse too. I am isolating again.  Socially withdrawing. My sleep has been a huge problem too. Insomnia when I don’t take my Seroquel and sleeping way too much when I do take it. I have trouble concentrating on the simplest of things. My memory is horrible and I can’t seem to make a decision to save my life. In short ~ I have once again been visited by “The Black Fog”.

As you have read in the past few weeks, I have been trying hard to over-come it by trying to stay active and motivated. But I think it’s time to admit that it just isn’t working anymore.

So Friday I went to the Doctor. She agrees that things seem to have gotten worse even from when she saw me just over a month ago. I’m to stay on my medication ~ FULL DOSE! God how I hate taking the full dose of that stuff. It just makes me sleep. and sleep. and sleep,…. But she insists it’s better than the alternative. I grudgingly agree. So I’m back on the elephant tranquilizers for a while. She has put me on an ‘urgent’ waiting list for a psychiatrist and hopes that I can get in to see one in the next 2 to 3 months. She had just received my charts from my last doctor that week and hadn’t had a chance to read it yet so she told me to sit tight and she would go through my chart thoroughly in the next day or two. Hopefully then she’ll have a better idea of how to proceed forward. I am being patient. I know it’s taking much longer than I want it too, but she is doing it thoroughly which is what I have wanted all along. But it doesn’t change the fact that in the meantime I am just waiting at home drugged to the eyeballs and barely able to get out of bed. It’s not a nice existence. Depression is a horrible disease. But I will do what I am told to do. because in the end, I do want to get better and I know this doctor is working hard to achieve that. The big picture shows a positive outlook. The little picture has me holding on patiently feeling like shit. But I am aware that it will get better and that professional help is just around the corner. Hold on Jacquie,……Keep looking at the silver lining!!!!

And that is where things stand right now. I am in a sort of “holding tank”. Knowing I will feel better but having to go through the motions of feeling terrible first. So,…

My positives,….

I may be un-well right now but I know I won’t be forever.

I am happy that as I have gotten older, I am understanding this disease a bit more and therefore I am able to recognize the signs and symptoms and  ASK FOR HELP.

And lastly,…. Summer is on the way! Even if mother nature hasn’t finished with the water works quite yet. But soon it will be shorts & flip-flop weather once again. 🙂 Never under-estimate the power of good weather on a persons psyche

 

 

Yet another “It could only happen to me” moment

Here I sit. Sunday night, or rather very early Monday morning, wanting to sleep but can’t.

I’m still struggling to push through the sadness and lethargy that I am feeling because of the depression. As unmotivated as it has made me I am determined to push through it. It’s like that old song,… (“smile when your heart is breaking”)  Even though there is an air of sadness all around me and I can’t seem to muster up any motivation I am pushing through anyway.

I have gone back to taking the full prescribed dose of my Seroquel because of this descending depression over the past week. Hoping it will take it away. But that in itself is creating the “other” problem. The medication zonks me out so bad I can’t get out of bed. This morning, just like yesterday, I didn’t wake up until after noon. And even then I felt so drugged I could barely keep my eyes open. I had coffee and watched TV until late afternoon unable to move or function. It wasn’t until 3 that I was even able to get into the shower. But once my head cleared a bit I did force myself to get outside.

I drove into Elora and parked the car and went for another long walk. I hiked the trail along the gorge which is breathtaking. The fresh air and the beautiful scenery did end up lifting my spirits so that I did feel much better by the time I walked back to my car. And then, as luck would have it, my brother called and asked if I wanted to drop by his place for a chicken BBQ dinner. Which I did. Living in apartments for the past 5 years I don’t have a barbecue. So this was a real treat for me. (Had no idea my brother was such a great cook!) It just felt so nice to have gotten out of my apartment and live a bit. It made me feel almost ‘normal’.

And, just for you Liz,… this blog will again end on a positive ( or at least a bit humorous) note. Tonight,… another “It could only happen to me” moment,….

It was around 11:00 and I was sitting in the living room watching TV when I heard this rustling noise coming from the kitchen. It went on for a few minutes so I decided to get up and investigate. Thinking that my cat Maggie was up to no-good I didn’t think much of it. But as I turned on the kitchen light a bat,… Yes,… that’s right,… a BAT! flew across the kitchen just missing my head! I screamed bloody murder. It’s a wonder I had none of my neighbours banging on my door I screamed so loud. I HATE bats! I ran out of the kitchen and grabbed a broom. Taking a deep breath, I went back in and actually chased this damn thing around my kitchen. It eventually flew into the inch of space between my cupboards and the kitchen wall. I quickly grabbed a towel and stuffed it up the crack in the hopes that it would now be trapped up there. Ew, Ew, Ew,…. By this time I am really freaked out. I’m actually shaking. All I can think of is this thing getting back out and coming at me in the middle of the night. So now, I’m too afraid to go to bed. Hell,… I’m too afraid to turn off any of the lights. So here I am,… 3:00 in the morning on my computer because I won’t go to bed. Theres no way I can crawl into my bed and turn my light off and CLOSE MY EYES! No, no, no,… Because I know that the minute I close my eyes this thing will find me!  So I will be up watching TV until morning light. Bats don’t like the light so I will be safe then. (right? I WILL be safe then right?????) Oh God,… I’m such a girl,… But seriously people,… Bats are CREEPY!

So with drink in hand (yup,… succumbed to strawberry daiquiri to calm down the frayed nerves,…) I am sat in living room with one eye on the towel-stuffed crack and one eye watching taped movies. I am the worlds worst scardy cat.

But,…in keeping with my New Years Resolution,  I will still look at the positives.

 A) Glen has very generously said he is buying me a NEW TV!! yeah,… so happy,… awesome,… (doing jazz hands,…)

B) Fergus/Elora has turned out to be an awesome place to live. Beautiful here. So much to do

C) The silverfish are still tormenting me but at least they’re not COCKROACHES!

D) I may have a bat in my belfry but at least it’s not a ,… er,.. um,… ok bad example there,… Bats are the worst

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 ” Light up your face with gladness,….

Hide every trace of sadness,…

Although a tear may be ever so near,…

That’s the time you must keep on trying,…

You’ll find that life is still worthwhile,….

If you just smile,…”

“Glass half full! Glass half full!”

It’s been a topsy-turvy couple of days. I feel like I’m sinking back into “The Black Fog” again but I am struggling hard to avoid that.

Just to remind you,… I actually set up this blog as an outlet for me to talk freely and honestly about my illness. Depression. And that is what I am going to do here. Talk about “it”.

Depression is a mood disorder. And the past 3 days I have been struggling greatly with my mood. 

It all seemed to start to go south on Tuesday. I had an appointment in Brampton. It had to do with my Mom.  (Need I say more?). The whole meeting lasted only 10 minutes. But it changed my mood completely. I obviously couldn’t stop thinking about Mom and her passing. It just hit me really hard. And that’s the way a mood disorder works. For most people, when they are hit with an emotion or situation they can regulate their mood. They can feel it,… own it,… and then move on. I can’t do that. And so there are times that I find myself feeling quite good when I get up in the morning. But the smallest of things can change my mood to the point where I plummet into a depression and can’t seem to shift that mood. So I guess you could say I don’t have a ‘regulator’.

I knew when I woke up that morning that my mood wasn’t the best. I have a cold so that wasn’t great. The weather was wet and gray. It rained the whole drive to Brampton. The meeting was of course all about Mom and that was upsetting to me. I left the building feeling sad and missing Mom. The long drive home just seemed to cement the mood in place. By the time I got home I was teary. I was once again struggling with that dreaded demon ~ depression. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t shake the “black fog’ off. I ended up curled up in my chair mindlessly watching program after program on the TV. And once you’re in a depression the rest of the world becomes distorted. You lose self-confidence. You lose motivation. You lose hope. You lose yourself. You become a big sad blob that can’t function. And that was what happened to me on Tuesday.

I don’t know the reason a depression hits me. It just does. I think a lot of times it’s caused by life situations that I find hard to cope with. But other times there just doesn’t seem to be any logical reason for the mood change. it just appears. I’ve seen it many times in people who are intelligent with great jobs and lovely families and on the outside they have nothing to complain about. But that’s the sneekiness of depression. you don’t have to have a reason. It’s a chemical imbalance in your brain that shifts everything in your mind to “glass half empty” when you have no real reason to feel that way. I have always wrestled with the question of why I suddenly plummet into depths of depression that are horrible. But I don’t have an answer. I don’t think anyone does or there wouldn’t be millions of Canadians suffering from this debilitating disease.

Anyway,… The next morning I woke up still in “The Fog”. I had taken my Seroquel the night before so I was really groggy and tired so I stayed in bed until noon sleeping. (Always my first symptom I’m slipping,… all I want to do is sleep) But I finally got up and had a shower and made my bed and,… blah, blah, blah,…. all the ‘normal’ stuff  “healthy” people do every single day with no effort. Then I forced myself to get outside. I did some errands and then went for a walk. I was still feeling heavy and sad in my heart but at least I was making the effort to try to get out of this funk. 

The next day (which was again overcast & gloomy ~ not helpful to a depressed mind) I had to get up early as the furniture store was delivering my new loveseat. Most people would have been happy and excited about this. I was still feeling “blah” and couldn’t muster up the energy to feel anything. But again I forced myself to do stuff. Make my bed. Do the dishes. Do some laundry. When a person is in a depression these small everyday tasks feel gargantuan and impossible to carry out. But I managed to do them. Suddenly the sun came out. So after the couch was delivered I put on my walking shoes and went for a nice long walk around town. That seemed to help a lot. I came back home feeling much better. RELIEF! Could this past few days mood just be a short-lived occurence? I hoped so. But a mood disorder is so unpredictable that I never know how I’m going to feel from one hour to the next.

And with that,… I again woke up really late this morning (at noon ~ really that Seroquel medication leaves you feeling like you’ve been shot with an elephant tranquilizer!) But again, I have forced myself to get up get on with it.

So,…  It’s the Canadian Long Week-end. And I have told myself that I am NOT going to waste it by feeling sad and depressed sitting in my apartment. And even though the weather is once again wet and dreary and overcast I will get outside. I think tomorrow I might hop in the car and drive down to Elora and get out walking and explore there. I’ve texted the girls to see if they want to go to a movie at some point. I have a new book I can start (bring a chair to a park and read maybe if the weather gets better) The hard part about living in an apartment (with no balcony) is that if you want to get outside you have to actually go somewhere. It’s not like you can putter around in your garden or sit on your patio,… so I have to use my imagination and find places to go (that are free). It’s a good thing I like to walk and hike. I may be out of shape right now after a long winter of being inside all the time but I do want to fix that by getting back into my walking every night after dinner. In short,… I want to be healthy mentally. It can be a struggle to do that but I want to work on it.

And that’s where I end my post today,…. struggling but determined to move forward.

This is just how I feel today,…. Tomorrow will be better,….  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdWEgu7c3i0&feature=related#

Another “It Could Only Happen To Me” moment,….

Only I could have this happen,…

I’m mopping the floors. Suddenly I hear this bubbling, gurgling noise coming from the bathroom. I’m already hot and sweaty and feeling  the need to end my cleaning spree that came upon me a few hours earlier. Hot and tired as I am I go into the bathroom to find,… bubbles! Big, white soapy bubbles spewing out of the toilet. Not just in the toilet,… Out of the toilet,… and running down the sides and creeping across the floor,…. There is a very loud gurgling noise. The water in the toilet is bubbling profusely and the fluffy white stuff just won’t stop spewing! I run into the living room and grab the mop and run back to the bathroom. I start to try and mop away all these bubbles but they just keep on coming! I mean,… What in the world????? By this point I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. It’s almost too comical to comprehend. I even think maybe there’s a hidden camera somewhere and I’m being laughed at hysterically as I mop. But nope,… no camera,… no joke,… just mounds and mounds of bubbles.

 Now it begs the question, “To flush or not to flush”.   I don’t even dare. I go and call the superintendent instead. No answer. I run up to his apt. Not home. Hmm,… I run back downstairs to my apt (beginning to feel a bit like Lucille Ball at this point,..) I call the owner of the building,… no answer,…  There are times in life when one really hates being a gal living on her own who knows nothing about home maintenance.  And now I’m actually cursing myself for not being married to a plumber. Or dating a plumber,… hell,… to just knowing a plumber! But I don’t have anyone to call. (Good Lord who wouldn’t ask me if I was drinking if I even did call someone?)

In the end it stopped bubbling and gurgling on its own. So I just mopped up the big mess. Finally,…. I closed one eye (cuz the other one had to peek to see what would happen,…) and I flushed. The water all burbled away and although it took a long time the bowl eventually filled back up with clear water. Now I’m left standing there scratching my head wondering what just happened here???? Do I dare risk flushing again? I do. and it works just fine.

Even now, 2 days later, I still haven’t the foggiest why my toilet decided to regurgitate soap suds. It just did. I just chalked it up to one of my “It Could Only Happen To Me” moments and moved on.

As for my weekend, it was great. Sunday Michelle and Hayley came down and we had a lovely afternoon. First we went to the “used book store/video rental/boutique’y kinda thing” store here in town. Being 3 avid bookworms that took a while to get out of. Then the girls went to the grocery store and bought stuff for dinner and came home and made me a belated Mothers Day dinner. It was wonderful to not only not have to cook, but to just go sit down afterwards and not have to do the dishes either. Bliss. Glen and Lisa also came over as we were having a quick celebration for Glens 50th birthday. His birthday isnt’ actually until tomorrow but we thought we’d have a little family thing while the girls were down. I just cannot get over the fact that Glen is 50! I remember us as little kids frog catching in the creek,… and playing hide-and-seek,… and having my Mom dump all three of us kids in that sunday evening bath. (Yes, the ONCE A WEEK bath!! We must have stunk all week!) I don’t know where all the years have gone. But they have definitely passed because we’re all now heading into the “over” the hill and not just on top of it anymore phase of our lives. Anyway,…. Happy “50th” Big Brother,……

And today, Hayley and I bonded by holding hands while she got her Monroe piercing. (Haven’t times changed,… Mothers and daughters used to bond over graduation dress shopping or the like,…) I can’t say I’m a big “piercing” fan myself but it seems to be what all the kids like to do nowadays. At least it’s only a small stud and nothing too gaudy or down-right grotesque. Then I brought her to work and I drove back home and the weekend is officially over now.

Now, I am sat here watching Coronation Street that I had taped and sniffing snuffling and blowing my nose. I guess all the running around in the pouring rain all weekend left me with a cold. Oh well,… I had a great weekend and that’s all that matters.

Tomorrow I’m off to Brampton for the day,….

trying to keep the glass half full

I had a really busy day today so right now I am so tired I don’t know if I’m coming or going,….

Glen was nice enough to take the time out to drive me to the dump this morning. I had a bunch of big’ish stuff that needed tossing. I have to admit that this is the first time in YEARS that I have had someone to help me out with stuff. I’ve been living on my own for so long now and normally I have only had girlfriends who aren’t any better at household chores than I am. When things broke,… they stayed broke,…. So having Glen around has been a real treat. I have a list of stuff for him to do to help me out. ( hanging curtains, fixing furniture that broke during the move, putting stuff together that didnt’ get put back together after I moved,… etc,…) Stuff that I wouldn’t have a clue how to do but Glen has offered to take a day to come over with his drill and tools and try to get it all done for me.  T-R-E-A-T!!  I am being careful not to rely on him too much. But when you first move in to a new place there always seems like a ton of stuff to do. I’m writing out my “To Do” list but will be patient and wait until Glen has time. Once those things get done I should be able to manage on my own again like I always have.

I have decided to buy a love seat. If you remember I couldn’t take my other couch with me as it wouldn’t have fit into that last basement apartment. Jokes on me now as I lost it for nothing now that I have moved again. (I loved that couch,….) So I am going to break down and buy myself a reclining loveseat so that when the girls come down we can all have a comfortable place to sit and watch TV or movies or whatever. I have taken Moms recliner chair she had at the retirement home but I need more than one chair if anyone visits. So today I drove around looking at furniture. I’m pretty sure I know what I want so it’s just a matter of finding a good price and then buying it. Right now this place looks so bare with only one chair.

I went to Wal Mart and bought myself some curtains.  My apartment is actually in the basement level but I’m only underground 4 feet so my window is right at ground level only 12 feet from the sidewalk on the main road so everyone can look in and see everything. I feel like I’m living in a fishbowl. The window is huge too. It’s 10 feet long. So I bought some curtains and rods. I’ve asked Glen to come over and put them up for me when he has some time so will be happy when that’s done. I really don’t feel comfortable at all without them. But this was another added expense I wasn’t expecting.   

As for the silverfish,… I am still totally freaked out about them. But I have been mopping the kitchen and bathroom floors 3 times a day with hot soapy water and bleach. The smell alone has got to kill them as its bothering me. I do notice there is a few less but I know they are just hiding until dark. I’m going to buy some silicone and I am going to seal every inch of that bathroom so there’s no way for them to get in. I haven’t told the superintendent yet as he wasn’t home when I knocked on his door earlier. But I will. He may need to get pest control in here to spray and then I’ll silicone everything I can and maybe that will help. (God I HOPE he gets pest control in and doesn’t just give me ant bait or something as totally useless) Again,… any suggestions anyone has out there please let me know. I cannot live with all these creepy bugs. They destroy everything. And I’m really, really anxious about the whole thing. I keep thinking if there everywhere I look then they’re probably in my bedding too and that has my anxiety level off the chart.  (ew,…ew,…ew,…)

My fibromyalgia is still flaring up big-time. I sat down to watch a bit of TV tonight and I completely seized up and could barely walk when I tried to get back up. Oh the pain,… Epsom bath (hopefully with no silverfish in the tub with me!!  ~  Ew!! ) some painkillers and then bed to read. I will more than likely sleep in really late tomorrow as I always do when I have to take medication for the fibromyalgia. But I don’t care. At least when I sleep I’m not in pain,….. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. If it’s nice out I can try to go for a gentle walk to loosen up. That’s the secret of Fibromyalgia. If you do too much ~ you pay for it,… But if you don’t do anything but sit and do nothing then you pay for that too,…. You have to find that happy medium of staying active but only gently.

Ok, as I am writing this my cat Maggie is looking at something I can’t see and growling. Growling? I didn’t even know cats could do that? Now she’s got me all spooked. (Like I needed more to add to my anxiety,…) Dumb cat,….

What now?

Well I have finally moved. It’s been a tremendous amount of work and right now I am really paying for it. I am sore everywhere! People with fibromyalgia should not be doing the work that I have been doing over the past 4 days. But when your single and live alone you don’t have any other option. It has to get done. I am about three-quarters done now though so I’m hoping that now that I have the main stuff under control I can take my time with the rest.

I was so happy the day I moved out of that other place. I can’t tell you the relief I feel just knowing I never have to step foot in that horrible basement again. When I walked into my new apartment I was one big smile. Finally I could unpack all those boxes and get everything put away and continue on with life once again. I had literally ‘been on hold’ for the past 10 weeks. It was frustrating and stressful to say the least but now,… I can finally look forward once again.

But now, I have run into a new problem. One I have never dealt with before so I don’t know how to handle it. My new bathroom is infested with silverfish. They are EVERYWHERE! dozens and dozens of them. On the floor, the sink, the cupboard and even the bathtub. It’s horrible. I looked them up on-line and have discovered that in this quantity they will do a lot of damage especially to books and material. (bedding & furniture!) I have never seen so many bugs in one place before in my life (In a home). I’m totally creeped out and don’t even want to go to bed tonight for fear they are in my bedding!! I will talk with the superintendent first thing in the morning but the articles I have been reading leave me to believe they need to be treated by professional pest control and even they have a hard time getting rid of them completely. And the problem in an apartment building is if you don’t do the whole building they will never get rid of them ~ EVER! I can’t believe after all the shit I went through at the other apartment I now have to deal with this in my new one! Honestly,… I’m starting to feel like things will never go alright for me ever again. It’s always something. I can’t move again. I don’t want to move again. I can’t afford to move again. But I know I can’t live with an infestation of bugs either!

If anyone knows of anyway to get rid of these horrible bugs ~ please let me know ASAP as they are everywhere and I am totally freaked out about them. When I realized just how many of these things are actually running around I just sat down and cried. Too stressed for more crap ~I just can’t do it anymore,…. I know it sounds pathetic but all I can think of right now is “Why me” ~ I’ve had enough so why me,….