That time of year again,…

November 29th  ~ That date every year that glares at me from the calendar. The anniversary of the twins. It’s been 24 years since they were born and still that date effects me.  I still remember it all like it was yesterday. It doesn’t effect me as much as it did in the early years just after it happened but I still think about it. It would be impossible not too. But you just get on with it because you can’t change the past. But I do have a tradition of my own that I have done every year. I put the Christmas tree up on that day and then I have two special ornaments I hang up in memory of them. Two little angels sit front row and centre so I can always include them in my holidays. Shawn and Ian. You are still in my heart.

So,… yesterday I dug out my Christmas tree and put it up. I always end up doing it on my own now as the girls have their own lives. They don’t live close to me anymore and they both work full-time. So there I was, ankle deep in boxes and treasures and shiny little baubles. I tried putting some Christmas music on to help my mood but it didn’t work. I just felt so sad. In the past because of circumstances I won’t get into, I spent 4 Christmas mornings alone. No girls. No family. No friends. Luckily I had my Aunt Doreen and was at least able to spend Christmas dinner with her and that side of my family. But let me tell you. The feeling of waking up and knowing that everyone else is opening presents and having a lovely family memory and your just sat alone drinking coffee with your cat was very lonely.

So reconnecting with my brother has been so special. There’s only the two of us left now so we try and make it as special as we can. And this year I am extra grateful as I will have Michelle and Hayley here Christmas eve (where we will go to my brothers) and Christmas morning. And then will head to Aunt D’s for dinner. It’s going to be lovely to build up all new memories again.

So why am I feeling so down?

I have been having some pretty upsetting symptoms from my medication. What used to be light trembling has now turned into severe shaking. I can’t hold a cup with one hand,… I can’t write,… even my speech has been effected as my voice trembles. I’m finding this almost too difficult to deal with. So,… back to the doctor we go,… I think we all agreed that it wasn’t something neurological but instead think its just the medication. But to be safe she will send me to a neurologist. Personally,… I just want off the meds that are doing this to me. But I can’t. Going off my meds is equivalent to a bizarre roller coaster ride that almost always finds me back in the hospital. But if you could see me shaking,… you would know how detriment this has become. I can’t do much and I won’t go out anymore because it so embarrassing. People look at me like I’m some kind of heroin addict jonesing for a fix. As mentioned before in past posts, I do find that marijuana helps. I do take a very small amount just before bed and it slows down the shaking enough that I can at least fall asleep. But I do know that isn’t the answer  ~ just a temporary solution until we can find what really will help. I don’t know the answer to this problem at the moment. My doctor wants to keep me on medication but has tweaked it some to see if it can stop the tremors and make me more comfortable. But how long is that going to take and will it even work?

The whole situation has become quite frustrating.

But,… I will look forward and just keep plugging away. I’ve been through bad times before (with medication) and I know in time it will get better. I just have to find the right “cocktail” that works for me.

But hopefully in the meantime I can try and muster up that good ol’ Christmas spirit and enjoy the holidays with all my loved ones. I am definitely grateful for my family. The support has been amazing.

 

It’s been a sad ol’ week,….

In Memory of Kelly

It’s been a funny old week. Too much going on for this poor gal. First,… My biological Mother died this week. (October 26th) And even though I never actually met her, I did correspond with her through mail and phone.

For those of you who don’t my adoption story,… My Mom had me when she was 18 years old. We lived in Toronto in a small home that we shared with my Grandma, My mom, my aunt and 4 uncles. Mom and Grandma tried to keep me but things were very difficult. They didn’t have welfare and social assistance of any kind way back in 1963 so money was very tight, My Grandpa passed away years before I was born so my Grandma was a widow with 6 kids living in  such a tiny home. Things didn’t go well. And when I was a toddler I was put in a Foster home. My Mom and Grandma had to make that decision that I would be better off being adopted out of the Holyoak family. Obviously I was way too young to remember any of this so I had to learn about my first year from others. (Aunts and cousins etc,…) The rest as you all know is history,… I was adopted into the Morgan family and had a very happy, healthy and fulfilling childhood.

But when I was in my twenties I met my Aunt D (my moms sister) and we became really good friends. I am so grateful that I found my biological family.  In the end I learned a lot about them. But unfortunately she had to tell me that my Mom was living in British Columbia. So because of the distance between us we never got to meet. We wrote letters to each other and exchanged pictures and stories. I always hoped that I would someday get to meet her but sadly,… that will never happen now.

When D called me to let me know she had passed away I was shocked. I don’t know why. She had been ill over the summer but I thought she had gotten somewhat better. And in the last conversation I had had with D a few weeks before I had even mentioned to her that maybe now was the time for me to think about meeting her.

I didn’t know how I was suppose to feel. For the first few days I don’t think it felt real to me. But later I started to feel really sad about her passing. This was after all the person who gave me life. I was torn. I felt like I should be sad. But feeling sad made me feel like I was disrespecting the Morgan family. So the whole thing just left me in a haze of confusion. So I just tried to bury it and not even think about it. But as the week passed, I realized I couldn’t just bury it. So I finally allowed myself to “feel”  And feel I did.  By the time I got to the point of acknowledging her passing I was crying and feeling very low.

Her funeral is tomorrow. Obviously I will not be there as it will be held in BC. Part of me really wanted to be there though. But, it just wasn’t possible. But I will be thinking of her all day.

I feel bad for my Aunt D. She actually passed away on her birthday. And Kelly was her only sister. It’s just been a sad few weeks for all involved.

So Kelly,…. this blog entry is dedicated to you. May you rest in peace and find Grandma and the rest of our family waiting for you in heaven.