I need to cocoon

I am completely on my own now. I told everyone to go away. Push,.. push,… push,… everyone needs to be pushed away,… P**,… even the lawyers office. I wrote an email saying I’m just too unwell to do anything and I have taken to my bed. I have turned off my phone. I can’t imagine what the lawyer must be thinking but I don’t care. I can’t,….  I have stayed off of social media as well. I am unreachable,…

But this time it’s different. Because I can’t stand beng alone here in this prison. I don’t talk to anyone,… I don’t even see anyone,… and right now that is by my own choice. I know when I feel better and want to reconnect the people will be gone. I am used to that. I guess it’s how I have ended up on island. Alone.

This time it’s different because I am spiralling. I can’t stand the long hours and hours and hours and hours I have to fill each day. The boredom is so tedious it is literally driving me mad. I can FEEL myself losing touch with reality,… 

But for some reason I can’t explain,… I never could explain,… I have to run and hide and lock the door and bolt it. Close the blinds. Pull the curtains,… For some reason I need to keep the world away. I can’t interact with the world right now.

My kitchen is empty. I need food. I am going to start going hungry in a few days. But I don’t feel well enough to go out and get groceries. It’s like I have gone back to being agoraphobic. I can’t leave my apartment. I just have this overwhelming need to hide away,… 

But this time is different because I don’t feel like I’m ever going to come back. This need to cocoon is all-consuming. I don’t think I will ever join the real world again,… It is too distressing

I just need to cocoon because I can’t deal with the world right now.

I’m scared because the pull of death is just so inviting

so inviting,…..