A New Year

Well, Happy New Year everyone,… It’s been ages since I last wrote on this blog so maybe my new years resolution should be to write more and on a consistent basis. (but don’t hold your breath,…)

I would like to start out by saying I had an awesome holiday season because I had both my daughters here for 4 full days. Usually I have to share them with their Dad but I didn’t have to this year so that was a bonus.  I was so excited. For the month or so beforehand I went way overboard in shopping. I am definitely feeling the effects of this now as I open my bills. But I have to admit, it was worth it. All 3 of us had a wonderful time.

But, just as I thought might happen, after the girls went home and all the festivities were over, I crashed. Suddenly everything was over. And I was left back to my ‘real’ life once again. The agoraphobia,… the anxiety,…. the OCD,…. the depression,…. flooded back like a wave.

I haven’t left my apartment since December 31st. I have no desire to. Although tomorrow I have to as I have a doctor’s appointment and I’m out of milk. And just the thought of knowing I have to go out is already beginning to make me panic. I am making sure I take my medication as I know this is important for my well-being right now. But it’s making me so tired and lethargic. It’s the same old problem I have always had,… Take the meds and I sleep for very long periods at a time and then wake up and have to function in a seroquel daze,… or not take the meds but end up very sick mentally which usually results in a hospital stay. I have to admit that I am getting rather frustrated with this dilemma. Other people don’t have to choose whether to be awake and alert but mentally ill or so drugged you can’t function but at least you’re not in hospital. It does strike me as very unfair but that is my situation. Guess I need to just put on the big girl britches and deal with it. But there are days when I sit back and I long to be ‘normal’ and not have to deal with all this shit.

I have decided to set up some New Years Goals to try to help myself though. To go outside more,… to get my OCD under control,… little things that I hope will have big results. They sound quite easy to other people but are actually quite big hurdles for me to accomplish but I am optimistic.

I refuse to let the ‘after holiday blues’ beat me.

So roll on 2013,… I’m ready for you,….