The past few days have been really hard. The pain has been overwhelming. When I wake up my hands feel like claws. Like the bones are rubbing against each other and causeing pain. The bones are not rubbing together obviouly but thats what it feels like. I can’t do anything. I can’t wash my face or brush my teeth,… I could barely make coffee. It’s really become a trial. My hands are basically useless. I can’t open a jar,… I can’t put my hair up,… just everyday things I need to do I can’t. It’s become a problem I am having difficulty bearing.
And food is becoming a real issue. My fridge was completely empty except for milk and a few cheese slices. I am desperate to get groceries. The reason I can’t just walk across the street and get them myself anymore is I don’t have the ability (with this pain) to buy groceries and put them on my walker and walk the grocery bags home. It’s not as easy as it looks as they are not tied down and I have to continually hold them on the walker. Once I hit a bump and fell and everything fell with it. I lost half my groceries that day. The milk burst,… it was awful. So getting groceries by walking is now out of the question. I physically am unable to do that now. I could order from Walmart but the cost of delivery and “picking” (I guess they hire peopleto pick things off my list to put in my cart before they deliver). WHY this isn’t just one cost I dont’ know but in the end, I end up paying about $20 for the service which I can’t afford. That is milk and cereal to me. I can’t give it up. I can’t afford delivery anymore. And I can’t count on frineds as they have their own lives and can’t always help me. Case in point,… and this is in NO WAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE about my friend P** as she had a tough week. But last week she said she would take me shopping this week. But over the weekend she had some personal stuff to take care of. One being she put her beloved pet dog down which we all know is devastating. So of course she was now unavailable to help me. I totally understand. BUT,… I am now stuck with an empty fridge. THIS is why I need a caregiver and not rely on frineds. Friends end up getting sick of being your taxi driver. I know as I have seen lots of my friends suddenly stop calling over the years since I haven’t had a car. They don’t mind once or twice but understadably,… they don’t want to be your officail driver. I get it. So over time they just slowly stop calling,…. now I have no one but P** and B****. And I want them as my FRIENDS not my caregiver,…
Getting groceries is my number one problem. Right now I am not strong enough to walk to the store and get them myself. It’s too physically demanding for me right now with the pain. I need someone to take me and be with me while I shop and then drive me home. HOW do I get that? THAT is exactly what I need for food. I need someone to come on a scheduled date and be there for sure on that date. I only need it once a month. I also need them to make my bed after I wash the sheets. I can’t do that yet. I have done it out of force as no one has been around to help but I hurt my finger and it was overall extremely painful to do. I NEED HELP.
Again,… where is my family?
Today is my granddaughters second birthday. Technically I am not even suppose to know she exists. NOONE called me to tell me when she was born. I have been completely left out of her life. And I literally cannot bear that. Life is not worth living without family. And not knowing my only grandchild is m ore than I can bear. I live for family and yet I have none,… I HAVE NONE. Happy Birthday baby girl ~ I know you don’t know I exist but I love you more than life itself and it haunts me that I will never get to hold you,….
I am so depressed and despondant that I have ended up down here in such poverty. I no longer wish to fight this fight any more. It’s too hard,… it’s a hard physical grind that I am too tired to do anymore. If I was 40 maybe,… but I am now 60 and I just can’t do it anymore. DEATH is the only relief to me now. Roll on finding fentenyl. Becasue this life is just too hard,…..
Coffee Confessions 